Ideas for Strengthening the Mother-Daughter Bond

(ARA) - For many little girls, Mother’s Day was a time to pick flowers, make a handmade card, and hand-deliver them with hugs and kisses. But as these girls mature into independent women, sweet, unconditional feelings of love can change, possibly leading to bittersweet relationships between a mother and a daughter.

Even celebrities such as Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, and Meg Ryan have had well-publicized, toxic relationships with their mothers for a variety of reasons beyond their fame. And when Mother’s Day arrives each year, how do estranged mothers and daughters handle that day? Is it too late for them to heal a broken relationship as adults?

“Past literature shows that the mother-daughter relationship is considered the most significant of all intergenerational relationships,” says Dr. Mudita Rastogi, associate professor of psychology at Argosy University/Chicago and a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Estrangement between a mother and a daughter is a combination of individual, familial, and societal factors,” says Dr. Rastogi. “And the reasons why mothers and daughters become estranged can be varied and complex.” For example, the mother’s generation may have included social aspects such as: economic depression, nuclear families, early marriage, and basic education. However, as society changes and evolves, the daughter may grow up in a completely different culture -- in a robust economy, varied family structures, delayed marriage, immediate focus on a career, and higher education.

According to research conducted by Dr. Rastogi, involving more than 150 women ages 25 to 35, significant variations exist between ethnic groups in their mother-daughter relationship. Euro-American women want to do fun activities with their mothers, but also want to maintain certain boundaries. Asian-Indian and African-American women generally turn to their mothers for support, wisdom, and advice. Mexican-American women want to be dutiful daughters and help their mothers.

“Even though these ethnic groups varied somewhat in terms of relationships, all of the women in the study wished for the same level of connectedness with their mothers,” says Dr. Rastogi. “Almost all of the women reported that they wanted respect and trust in their relationship with their mothers.”

According to Dr. Karen Eriksen, department head of counseling psychology at Argosy University/Orange County, some societal conditions lay the groundwork for the development of mother-daughter conflict. For instance, society expects women to be good mothers; if they fail, they are considered ”bad women.” “Mothers, rather than fathers, are held responsible for good parenting,” says Dr. Eriksen. “In some instances, women haven’t been well-prepared for these parenting responsibilities.”

Other pressures emerge for single mothers left alone to raise their daughters. Mother-daughter relationships may suffer when the single mothers begin seriously dating and try to find a way for a new partner to enter the family system. The daughter may experience a sense of betrayal, and may worry that she is losing her mother to someone else.

“Resolution of these struggles requires the efforts of both mothers and daughters,” says Dr. Eriksen. “Daughters always need their mothers to be parents. They need their mothers to take some of the steps in mending the relationship.

"Mothers, on the other hand, need great understanding and forgiveness from their daughters given the inequities in some of society’s expectations.”

Both mothers and daughters could use Mother’s Day as an opportunity to embark on a journey toward a more fulfilling relationship, realizing that as they navigate toward this goal, they may veer off course.

As complex as mother-daughter relationships can be, working on existing problems is not out of reach. Below are more tips that mothers and daughters can use to start the healing process and improve their relationship this Mother’s Day:

Tips for Mothers and Daughters to Make Amends

* For minor conflicts, daughters should try to understand the life circumstances, challenges, and choices that were made available to their mothers.

* Start mother-daughter traditions -- it’s never too late to begin new ones -- and make a promise to keep the traditions alive every year (why not every Mother’s Day). Traditions can include simple activities such as long walks, dinner at a favorite restaurant, or updating family photo albums.

* Join a women’s group or look into family therapy together to help resolve serious long-standing problems.

* Realize that all relationships have downsides. Mother and daughter should focus on the positive aspects of their relationship and invest time and energy in it.

* Mothers and daughters should recognize that all choices can come with negative and positive results. Regardless of social or ethnic backgrounds, pay attention to the intentions behind the choices.