|
 Children and Remarriage: The Family Wedding
A wedding that emphasizes
the family nature of remarriage -- and formally recognizes the
children either spouse brings to the marriage -- can go a long
way toward jump starting a blended family.
(ARA) - You've found the man
of your dreams and you've set the date. There is, however, one
nagging dilemma: the children (both yours and his). How can the
traditional wedding, which focuses exclusively on the bride and
groom, be reconfigured to recognize the critical role that children
play in the remarriage relationship?
|
That question plagued mother
and bride-to-be Laura Clemmer, who spent months scouring wedding
magazines. "My fiancé Paul (Kotz) and I wanted to
do something concrete during our wedding to show my children
-- 2-year-old Allison and 5-year-old Nathan -- that we were creating
a new family," she says.
Laura and Paul were discouraged
when the initial search for a family-oriented wedding ceremony
proved fruitless.
They were concerned that Nathan,
who had early on been enthusiastic about his mom's marriage plans,
began expressing some doubts. "Will you and Paul get divorced?"
asked the preschooler, who still remembered the pain of his parents'
divorce several years earlier. |
|
The Greensboro, N.C., couple
was grappling with a problem experienced by most of the more
than 1 million single parents who remarry in the United States
each year: What can be done to ease the concerns of children
who feel, on a conscious or unconscious level, that their secure
place in the family is threatened by the pending marriage of
a parent?
After much research, Laura found
a simple and emotionally satisfying answer in the form of a family-oriented
wedding service that gives children a meaningful role. This 5-minute
ceremony -- called the Family Medallion service -- can be integrated
into any religious or civil wedding ceremony. It differs from
the traditional wedding in only one respect: After the newlyweds
exchange rings, their children join them for a special service
focusing on the family nature of remarriage. Each child is given
a gold or silver medal (Family Medallion) with three interlocking
circles, a symbol that represents family love in much the same
way the wedding ring signifies conjugal love. (The medallion
is available in the form of a pendant, ring or lapel pin.)
The Kotzes say they will never
forget the moment during their wedding when Nathan and Allison
were summoned to their sides to participate in the family wedding
service. While the minister recited the words of the ceremony
-- a pledge to love and care for all the children either spouse
brings to the marriage -- Laura and Paul presented Nathan and
Allison with Family Medallions. Then the hugging started.
"I don't mean to be trite,
but it was really a bonding experience," recalls step-dad
Paul. "I especially wanted Nathan, who was old enough to
understand what was going on, to know that I wasn't just marrying
Laura; I was making a commitment to be there for him and his
sister. I could see from the way his eyes lit up that he understood.
I will never forget it."
Laura Kotz says her family-oriented
wedding was everything she had hoped it would be. "I could
not have found a better way to communicate to my kids that, by
marrying Paul, we were all coming together as a family,"
she adds.
Most of the guests attending
the Clemmer/Kotz wedding were touched to tears by the family
ceremony. "People later told us how wonderful it was that
we did something so special for the children," Laura recalls.
The family wedding concept is
an idea whose time has come since at least one-third of all new
marriages in the United States involve divorced or widowed parents
with children under 18 living in the home, according to the Stepfamily
Association of America.
But finding family-oriented ceremonies
is no easy task. "Although I have many books on wedding
ceremonies, not one of them contains a wedding ritual that recognizes
children from previous marriages," says Dr. C. Fred Werhan,
the Baptist minister who officiated at the Clemmer-Kotz wedding.
"That was OK 35 years ago, when practically every wedding
involved people who had never been married before. But things
have changed dramatically since then. Today, in half the couples
that I marry, at least one spouse has been married before."
Werhan says he was very excited
when he read about a family wedding service developed by a Kansas
City minister. "There's nothing else like it that I know
about," he adds. "Now I tell many of the couples that
I marry about it."
The family service -- along with
the Family Medallion -- was developed more than 15 years ago
by Dr. Roger Coleman, chaplain of Pilgrim Chapel in Kansas City.
"A marriage with children is a lot more than simply the
union of a man and a woman," he says. "It is a merging
of families. Every day I see how divorce creates a sense of failure
and hopelessness in people. The family ceremony is a sign of
hope and an important step in rebuilding the devastation of the
family."
Today, more than 15,000 couples
a year -- primarily in the United States, Canada and Europe --
use the Family Medallion ceremony to help cement the bond between
parents, stepparents and children. "It really works,"
says Dr. Werhan, who has adapted Coleman's family service for
many weddings. "A family-oriented wedding that includes
giving youngsters a tangible symbol of love like the Family Medallion
is a great way to make children entering a blended family feel
secure."
Sharon Stober Barry, the editorial
director of Your Stepfamily magazine, agrees. In fact, she used
the Family Medallion service to acknowledge her son and stepdaughter
when she remarried in 2000. "The family-oriented wedding
is much more than just a nice thing to do," she insists.
"You are pledging to your kids and his kids that you are
going to accompany them on their journey through life."
Nathan Clemmer, now a kindergartner,
knows a lot more about little league than about life journeys.
But he treasures the Family Medallion lapel pin his step-dad
gave him when Laura and Paul Kotz married last year. His mother
says that Nathan sometimes climbs atop his chest of drawers to
snatch the lapel pin from the box where it is stored for safekeeping.
"I like to wear it," he announces proudly. "It
means I'm part of this family." |
Beauty Secrets of the World
