- Dads and Sons:
- Staying Connected Through the
Years
 (ARA) - If you’re the father of
a little boy, there’s a good chance that right now you are
enjoying a very close connection with your son. He probably idolizes
everything you do -- dressing up in your clothes, imitating the
way you read the paper or the way you stand when you talk. He
tries to do everything you do and works hard to make sure he
has your attention and your approval. You can see in your little
boy’s eyes that he is utterly convinced that you are without
a doubt the ultimate man in the world.
And if you are a dad whose son
has gotten a bit older, you can stop for a moment and smile when
you recollect those special days with your young son. As time
goes by, though, your son gets older and your relationship changes.
When your son begins to develop into a young man, both of you
face challenges that mean working a little bit harder to maintain
your bond. The relationship you develop now will set the course
for a lifetime bond between you and your son.
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Dr. James Longhurst, a licensed
psychologist for Montcalm School, a residential treatment program
for troubled and at-risk youth, says that in general, as boys
become teens, they sometimes question or challenge all their
previously held perceptions about their fathers.
“This happens,” he
says, “as they are trying to become individuals and to learn
how to ‘be their own man.’ In this part of their lives,
teen boys often reject their father’s values.” |
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Dr. Longhurst says that fathers
need to realize that when their boy begins to become a young
man, you as a father, need to be sure to keep things in balance.
“Dads need to realize that they can never be as good, and
all knowing as your young son thinks you are. Likewise, they
are never as bad, or as stupid, as their teenage sons may say
they are.”
When the father-son relationship
is intense, Dr. Longhurst explains that it can be a key time
for fathers to use crisis as opportunity, exploring their relationship
with their son and working through the conflict to bring the
relationship closer.
Sean, a student who recently
graduated from Montcalm School and is looking forward to his
first summer job, says that when he came to the program, he and
his father had a very tense relationship that was, in some ways,
at the heart of his troubles. Sean’s parents were divorced
and his father, a recovering alcoholic, was changing his lifestyle
and becoming a different person. That wasn’t easy for Sean.
“I didn’t like my dad before when he was drinking,
but I didn’t like him later when he started changing the
way he lived his life. I had a lot of resentment because of my
dad’s trouble with alcohol when I was young, but when he
changed his life and became sober, I wasn’t ready for that
either.”
Sean believes that before he
and his father sought help through Montcalm School, the relationship
was difficult for both of them. “It felt kind of superficial.
We didn’t really spend any quality time together. Our relationship
was pretty much going down the tubes. I stopped going to his
house and I think I now know he didn’t treat me as bad as
I did him.”
During his time at Montcalm School,
Sean and his father had numerous conferences, facilitated by
staff working for the program. They laid the cards out on the
table, and Sean and his father realized, that they both wanted
the same things from their relationship.
“It’s kind of like
we came to realize, Hey, you’re my dad and I’m your
son,” Sean says. “Why are we doing this? He apologized
for the mistakes he’d made in the past, as did I, and we
built a relationship based on trust. Today we’re open and
honest with each other and issues don’t get swept under
the rug.”
- Tips for Dads and Sons
- (from Dr. Jim Longhurst and
Montcalm School Director John Weed):
- When the chance arrives, try
to use crisis as opportunity to bring father and son closer together.
- Avoid being counter-aggressive.
Your son may have irrational beliefs that he will try to bring
into a conflict.
- Try to understand the world
through your son’s eyes. What makes them interpret what
you say in the way that they do?
- What is the real issue? What
is the real problem? Is it really the messy bedroom? Or is it
something more, something else that happened? If you’re
in a cycle, repeating the same old argument, what ever you’re
talking about isn’t the real issue because it isn’t
getting resolved.
- (and from Sean, a graduate
of Montcalm School, to teenage sons): “Be as open minded
as possible. Family is always forever and your dad is always
your dad. What I did was let him speak and then made sure he
heard me out too.” |
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