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Do you need to talk to a friend,
a co-worker, or your spouse about a difficult subject? Is it
causing you a lot of stress and anxiety? You are not alone. Everyone
dreads conversations where the emotional and psychological stakes
are high. But it is possible to have an honest, productive, and
less stressful heart to heart.
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BEFORE: Stacy: "You are so stuck up! You are always putting me down in front of everyone. Did you have to tell Jake and Luann that I cut my own hair? You know money is a little tight for me right now." Annabelle: Your hair looks terrible. Maybe that's why you haven't had a date in 6 months." Stacy: " I don't think it's any of your business." Annabelle: "Fine. I'm leaving now. Are you coming?" Stacy: "No, I think I need to trim my bangs!" |
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Avoid getting bogged down in too many details, instead focus on the substance of what happened. Establish a fact pattern of who did what and how you got to where you are now. How would a neutral, third-party describe the situation?
How do you feel?
Our feelings often get mixed up in our judgements of another person's behavior. Negatively describing a person's actions immediately puts them on the defensive and they are more likely to stop listening and counter with an attack of their own. This is a definite no-no when it comes to difficult conversations. It is much more effective to focus on how their actions made you feel instead of labeling their actions. In other words, replace the phrase, "You are so......" with the phrase, "When you do X, it makes me feel..."
Why do you feel this way?
Perhaps you feel vulnerable or
defensive because some aspect
of your self-image might be under attack. Identify which aspect
of your self-image feels threatened. Is it your ability to make
money? Your ability to sustain a healthy love relationship? Do
you see yourself as a nice person who hates to put your foot
down? Is it a trust issue? Figuring out where the pain or distress
is coming from helps you to be more objective. And by being able
to view the situation in a calmer and more rational manner, you
are able to act on the situation instead of just reacting to
it.
What is the purpose of the conversation?
What do you want this conversation
to accomplish? Do you
want an apology? Do you need closure? Or are you trying to
solve a problem? Deciding which outcome you are seeking will
help you stay focused. We all know how easy it is to get
sidetracked in a conversation, and this tendency is even more
likely to occur when we are discussing emotion-laden matters.
Seek Understanding
Think about the situation from the other person's point of view. Again, this will help you to be more objective. Get their feedback. Ask, "How do you see the situation?" Treating the conversation as a mission for understanding can also help start the conversation and will go a long way towards making it a two-way one.
AFTER:
Stacy: "Do you realize that I feel hurt and embarrassed
when
you draw attention to my money problems?"
Annabelle: "I didn't think it was that big of a deal to you. You're always telling me that things are tight."
Stacy: "But I don't want the whole world to know. I only told you because I trusted you."
Annabelle: "I'm sorry. I won't do it in the future. Let me make it up to you. How about I treat you to a movie?"
Stacy: "Apology accepted. Just let me get my jacket."
The Last Word
Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps it hasn't even occurred to them that their behavior is causing you pain or distress. And, once you begin to talk, don't monopolize the conversation. You won't accomplish anything by making the other person feel as if they are being taken to task. Finally, if a difficult conversation doesn't go as well as you'd hoped, don't dwell on it. How you handle a conflict is more important than the conflict itself. This is called character.
Copyright © 1999 by Edel Jarboe. All Rights Reserved.
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