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Treadmill
Throughout my
life there have been difficulties, but I always managed to survive
except when it came to broken relationships. I’ve been in
love with the same man for three years. We were best of friends
for eight years, and he was my first of everything.
Nine months
ago I found out he was cheating on me and planned on
marrying this woman. He is now engaged. It broke my heart and
my
faith. Since then I have dated others, but they never last past
the
first month. I would not even call them relationships.
A few weeks
ago I started dating a wonderful guy, and he has made me more
happy than my ex ever did. I like him very much but I do not
love him. He tells me he loves me and would never let me go.
But every time I am with him I always wish he was my ex. |
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I love my ex
as much as I did when we were together, and even though I know
it’s unfair to my new beau, I cannot stop it or even forget.
The love I feel for my ex is what made my previous courtships
fail, and he didn’t help either. He contacted me, telling
me he still loves me and wants me. But he never follows through
when I end it with the new fellow.
I so want this
new relationship to last I sucked up all the pain I felt and
tried not to let old feelings get in the way. So far it’s
working because our relationship is still going. But I want much
more than just liking my partner.
He deserves
someone able to return his love. I want to do it, but I don’t
know how. How do I move past the feelings I have for my ex? I
know I will never forget, but I need to love again.
~ Sally
Sally, in one of Shakespeare’s
plays, Hamlet tells Ophelia, “Get thee to a nunnery.”
In other words, leave the world and go to a convent so you stop
the damage you may do in the world. In a way, that’s good
advice for you. At least for now.
You have been
the victim of a pigeon drop, a Ponzi scheme. Most people who
have been swindled won’t admit it. It’s too embarrassing.
This
includes women who have been intimate with a man who is unworthy
of them.
It is both unfair
to your new beau and to yourself to long for your ex. He took
from you something he had no right to and continued to work you
up when he had no intention of following through. It is wrong
to say you love someone who treats you despicably.
You haven’t
done the first step in recovery which is to acknowledge your
ex is a villain, an absolute villain. He betrayed you. You can’t
un-victimize yourself by claiming it didn’t happen.
The important
thing is to reframe your experience so you acknowledge what actually
happened and recognize this man as a person of low
character. And, of course, end all contact.
The danger now
is you will toy and tamper with other men, and let them love
you, while you think, “I still want that scoundrel.”
Your current
beau loves you with all his heart. If you lead him on and disillusion
him, how will it affect his next relationship?
You hurt him,
he hurts the next woman...it’s an endless cycle. It’s
like an infectious disease spreading from one person to the next.
In one of his
sonnets, Shakespeare wrote, “For thy sweet love remembered
such wealth brings, that then I scorn to change my state with
kings.” But that applies only to reciprocated love.
When you put
this experience in light of what in fact occurred, you can re-emerge
and take your rightful place in the world.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
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Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers
appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia,
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& Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya. |
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 Direct
Answers Archive 2009
Direct
Answers Archive 2010 |
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