Relationship Advice -December 27, 2010

Weekly column for the week of: December 27, 2010

Direct Answers

by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell

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New Year's Dissolution

I’ve known my boyfriend since we were 13. We met by chance as teenagers and became pen pals who loosely kept in touch and wrote each other about life. We have a lot in common, but not everything. He thinks in black and white, and I think in all colors of the rainbow.

Two years ago, when I lived in New York and he lived in Hawaii, he asked me to visit. Going into the visit we told ourselves nothing was going to happen. But it did. We had our first kiss on the beach under the moonlight. It was romantic and unexpected.

After that, we had a few trips together—each glamorous and an adventure. It was all very exciting. Then his job relocated him to England, and he invited me to live with him there.

I took a month to decide. I had a life, job and friends in New York City, but I was tired of New York and ready for a change. Five months after he moved I got my work visa, so I could pursue my career as well as my romance. I moved in with him.

Now, a year later, though we enjoy each other’s friendship, he wants to break up. He says he never felt we’ve gotten past friends. Deep down I feel the same way, but also feel we have not tried at it and just expected living together to be romantic.

He's looked to your advice in the past, so I would like your advice about our specific situation. I do not want to hold on to something that will never materialize, but I also do not want to let go of something I think never got a chance.

Since I want to work on it and he is very black and white, he is 90 percent in the "it's over" camp. I am prepared to go either way, but internally I am fighting the end. I’m not the type of person to give up at the first sight of turbulence.

I moved out to give both of us space. I suggested we spend time apart, and then if we want to spend time together again, it needs to be a real start over with the intention of openness and romance.

~ Paris

Paris, forget about romance. Are you in love or not?

People in love see no impediment they cannot climb over or ignore. People who love strawberries didn't have to work at loving strawberries. People with a passion for horses didn't have to work at loving horses. And you won't have to work at being with the one for you.

The I'm-not-a-quitter attitude can get you into trouble. It can cause you to keep twisting the wrong key in a lock until it breaks. You two are just friends. You each have a course in life. You each must make decisions based on how you feel.

It has long been known that children raised together, but not biologically related, seldom marry. They feel no sexual attraction. This phenomenon even has a name, the Westermarck effect. Something like that is going on between the two of you.

He didn't have anyone, you didn't have anyone. That's how this came about. Now neither of you needs to feel bad. You can both step back and admit you made better friends and pen pals than lovers.

The move out is the first necessary step. Maybe at one time you aided each other and made a transition in life easier for the other. But not now.

Some might call this a mistake: he in asking you, you in accepting. But we don't consider it a mistake. The mistake would be trying to force your connection to be something it is not.

Start the new year off right with the hope each of you will meet the one you love.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

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