Age Gap I have a friend I consider to be like a little sister. She is 16 and recently started seeing a 22-year-old. I vaguely know this guy because we are second or third cousins. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I want her to understand age difference is a big deal and people around her are not blowing it out of proportion. She is not being unreasonable or getting upset with me, but I think that is because all I said is I don’t really approve. I don't want to get too caught up in her personal decisions and lose her as a friend. What can I do to explain why a six year age difference is a problem now, but wouldn’t be if she were older? ~ Sigrid

Sigrid, there is an old saying that you can always tell a Harvard man, but you can’t tell him much. Parents of teenagers know exactly what that means. Even teens who acknowledge folly in others remain stuck in the folly of “bad things can’t happen to me.”

Just as there is a difference between playing to win and playing not to lose, so there is a difference between big sister and friend. Big sister expresses a familial connection which allows one to step over bounds at times. It also means don’t bring disgrace to us or harm the family.

Friendship is more laissez-faire. It implies the other person is free to make their own mistakes as long as it doesn’t hurt the friend. If you play not to lose this girl’s friendship, you can’t protect her. Standing back, in effect, consents to what she does.

Though your friend may be flattered by interest from an adult male, there is a vast difference between 16 and 22 in brain development, socialization, sexuality, and life experience. The law understands this and so do the norms of society.

Tell this girl, in your own words, the dangers you foresee. It is better to play big sister because, if you don’t speak up and bad things happen, you will feel responsible.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Cover Up

I'm a newlywed of four months. Slowly sex has decreased, and my wife attributed it to not wanting to be cold, as it is winter. Another excuse is she's put on a few pounds since the wedding. I tried to resolve these issues by telling her how beautiful she is and romancing her. It hasn't helped.

I saved myself for marriage while my wife did not. She told me sex wasn't special for her because she’s had so much more than me. I responded by telling her I understood but felt sex was a way of expressing love and pleasing your partner.

Then she told me she didn't like sex because her relationship with a boyfriend before me was long and bad, yet they stayed together and kept being intimate. She doesn't want to have sex often for awhile until she feels better about the meaning of sex.

I asked what we would do if she didn't feel better about it, and expressed concerns like why didn't you tell me before marriage. I feel lied to. I also feel inadequate for not being able to make her want me sexually despite my best efforts.

~ Kent

Kent, if she thinks it’s too cold for sex in the winter, it will be too hot for sex in the summer, and spring and fall won’t be any better. What she concealed before marriage you had a right to know.

We suspect she will want just enough intimacy to produce a child or two, which will be just enough to hold you in the marriage. She has a right not to have sex, and you have the right to have sex.

It appears she married the wrong person. Consider your options now that you know she is planning a long, cold, sexless marriage.

~ Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Archive 2009 Direct Answers Archive 2010

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