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Provenance
I met my now
husband seven years ago. When I first met him, he was getting
out of a tumultuous relationship with a woman who ended up pulling
a gun on us one night. It was horrible.
Another night
we drove up to his house and found a “box of love”
that she left. In it was everything he ever gave her. I didn’t
look, but he told me he bought her pearls and she returned them.
I’m not sure what type of pearls, or if it was earrings,
a necklace, or a bracelet. He just said “pearls” and
that he gave them to his mother.
Here we are seven
years later, and I had my birthday over this past weekend. At
my party I received a beautiful pearl necklace, bracelet, and
set of earrings. I was extremely happy and they are beautiful.
Twenty minutes later it felt like a ton of bricks hit me. I thought
back to the time this woman returned his gifts. |
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So I nicely said,
“How did you do this without me knowing?” He said,
“A little bit at a time.” You see, we share a bank
account and we both keep an eye on it. So I just said okay, and
let it go.
Today, for some
reason, I can’t let it go, and it’s making me feel
like an unappreciative selfish person. Maybe I am since I’m
thinking this way! We did receive cash from his mom for Christmas,
and he put that in a safe place in the house. I saw he deposited
some of it in our account, and I believe I accounted for the
rest after we used it on a trip.
Should I let
this go and be happy with pearls that I’m going to make
a family heirloom, to be passed down to my daughter and to her
daughter? I don’t see any way of asking him, “Are these
the pearls you gave so-and-so?” But should that matter?
~ Kirsten
Kirsten, in one Zen teaching story
two monks, a student and a master, are traveling along a road.
When they come to a stream, they see a beautiful young woman
unable to cross, so the master picks her up and carries her to
the other side. Then the monks resume their travels.
Later that night,
when the student scolds the master for having intimate contact
with a woman, the master replies, “I put her down on the
other side. Are you still carrying her?”
Sometimes it’s
hard to know what to put down and what to carry. There are reasons
to think these are not the same gems. Would an ex-girlfriend
return a set of heirloom-quality pearls? Would someone who pulls
a gun be likely to think, “The right thing to do is give
them back.”
But even if this
woman once had them, after seven years the whammy has worn off
the pearls. And if they are not the other woman’s, what
a horrible thing to bring up to your husband.
We look at it
this way. Pearls are assets, like bonds, Krugerrands, or diamonds.
It would be ridiculous to let something of great value go to
waste, or to take them to a jewelry store and not receive full
value. After seven years it is not regifting. After seven years
they are his.
Our favorite
detective story is “The Moonstone” by Wilkie Collins.
In that tale a gem is stolen from the head of an idol in India
and through treachery ends up in England. But legend says the
jewel will always return where it belongs, and in the end that
is what happens.
Perhaps this
incident is a sign to let this woman go as if she never existed.
Even if she once had the pearls, they have returned to their
proper place. They were meant to adorn the woman who is his wife.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
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Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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 Direct
Answers Archive 2009
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Answers Archive 2010 |
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