In My Shoes Please help. Nothing we do is right. My husband and I have a 9-month-old son. We both have successful careers, are financially independent, and enjoy our new family life together. For some reason my in-laws are highly critical of everything we do. When we visit them, they talk only about themselves. When they say something about us, it is usually negative. They comment on how much we eat and if we drink alcohol with dinner. They start disagreements just for the sake of disagreeing. We have been patient because we want our son to spend time with his grandparents, but they make us nervous and this nervousness makes our son uncomfortable. He is often irritable and doesn't like to be held by his grandmother. This year in their Christmas letter they were extremely negative toward the birth of their grandson, emphasizing how his name did not seem appropriate. They didn’t mention my husband at all but put a big emphasis on my mother-in-law performing "baby duty" once a week, even though she told me she wanted to care for him once a week.

The letter described their daughter in extremely positive terms and included family photos, but no photos of us. We were hurt, especially my husband, who feels he has a life he is proud of and wants his parents to be proud of him for being accomplished and a father.

We told them what they wrote, and did not write, hurt our feelings. They said we were “ridiculous” and "overly sensitive." When I changed my work schedule so my mother-in-law would not have to take care of my son, they complained they thought our son didn’t remember them.

My husband's mother organized a lunch with my husband that she told him to keep secret from me. He didn't, but let her believe he did. She told him she thought I was too stressed at work--I work part-time now--and said he should convince me to let her care for the baby. My husband said, correctly, the most stressful thing in our lives at the moment is our difficulties in our relationship with them.

Then just today I found out they sent my parents an e-mail saying how concerned they are about our "attitude," when all they want is a normal family relationship. So, now my parents think we should apologize and make amends.

We feel like we can't do anything right. Is there a way to salvage this relationship and keep our small family safe from my in-laws' attacks?

~ Drew

Drew, Adam Smith said, “Though our brother is upon the rack, as long as we ourselves are at our ease, our senses will never inform us of what he suffers.” But, Smith said, when we use our imagination to put ourselves in his place, his agonies are brought home to us and we understand his feelings.

But some people lack this capacity for empathy. Instead they use guilt and demands to get what they want. They admit no flaws in themselves. When those tactics don’t work, they amass an army against the ones they want to control.

You have physical proof in a letter and an e-mail what these two are up to. Calling you “overly sensitive” is a non-responsive answer. Contacting your parents is pure blackmail. Even your baby has a handle on the situation.

When you spoil a child, what do you end up with? A spoiled adult. If you let your husband’s parents treat you badly, what will you end up with? In-laws who treat you badly. Most problems can be solved by applying the sound principles of dog training. Good behavior gets rewarded, bad behavior does not.

Get a copy of Susan Forward’s book “Emotional Blackmail.” Seeing your in-laws’ tactics in print will give you both courage and methods for handling people who, as Adam Smith said, lack the imagination to understand the feelings of others.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Archive 2009 Direct Answers Archive 2010

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