Under Her Nose My husband and I went on our first vacation to California, where we once lived. We went with our two boys and stayed at my best friend’s house. She has a roommate we never met. My husband and the roommate hit it off quite nicely. One night I went to bed with the boys while the husband and the roommate stayed up drinking wine. I had a bad feeling something was going on so I walked out to check. My husband reassured me, then I chatted with them for a few minutes and went back to bed. Minutes later I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I knew they were messing around. When I walked into the living room, my husband was on top of her, and they were making out. He swears it never happened before, and it was a mistake. Now I am being blamed for ending a marriage just because he “kissed a girl.” It was more than that. I saw the look of ecstasy on her face; I saw his hands on her body. Had I waited a few minutes more I don’t doubt clothes would be off. I cannot forgive this. We were at my best friend’s house, and the boys and I were in the next room. Just because they weren’t yet intimate, only because I stopped them, doesn’t mean this isn’t ultimate betrayal! What do you think? ~ Kirsty

Kirsty, ask a group of people to list the emotions, and they will mention things like anger, fear, love, hate, and surprise. The emotion most people will leave out is disgust, yet psychologists almost universally consider disgust a basic human feeling.

Disgust is the emotion which centers around contamination, recoil, and contagion. Taste rancid food and disgust says don’t eat it. Smell a foul odor and disgust says leave. Reach your hand toward a slimy substance and disgust says stop.

Disgust is an emotion designed to protect us. It is rooted in our biology. On the moral level disgust identifies behavior which is beyond the pale. Disgust explains why we hate traitors and pedophiles. They are tainted. On a physical level they make us sick to our stomach.

Why did you end your marriage over “just a kiss”? The answer is you didn’t. Your husband tripped your disgust trigger, and disgust ends love. Disgust puts us in the realm of the contaminated, the foul, the corrupt, the rank, and the rotten. When we feel disgust we want only one thing. We want the source to disappear.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Blame Game

Every time my boyfriend and I have problems, he cheats. The thing is he tries to tell me it’s my fault because he doesn’t feel I love him. The last time he cheated he swore he wouldn’t do it again, but I learned he did it almost immediately afterward.

For some reason I can’t get past this. I can’t even stand for him to touch me. Oh, and I should mention he had unprotected sex with this woman.

~ Tara

Tara, in England there are two kinds of lawyers, solicitors and barristers. Solicitors talk to clients and research cases, while barristers argue those cases in court.

There is a famous story about a barrister who never prepared in advance for trials. One day he arrived in the courtroom and opened the folder from the solicitor. In the file he found nothing but a small note. It read, “You have no case. Abuse the plaintiff.”

Why does your boyfriend blame you for his cheating? Because nothing he says can make what he did right, and he knows it. The oldest strategy of the cheater is to blame the victim for their own actions.

Take a tip from job interviewers. They know past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. If you want a different future, he belongs in your past.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Archive 2009 Direct Answers Archive 2010

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