Pay Per View I recently received a birthday invitation for a 13-year-old female relative. The invitation said she would “prefer money or gift cards” and stated she is “into” clothes, jewelry and makeup. I was shocked and put off. Is this the new etiquette? I’m not the only relative who wants to know. ~ Celeste Celeste, birthday invitations typically don’t say bring a gift, much less specify a gift of money. It is like listing an admission charge. Emerson said a “gift, to be true, must be the flowing of the giver unto me,” but this invitation is a demand, one step away from panhandling. A gift is something we aren’t entitled to.

There are two exceptions to the rule. At weddings, items are listed to help a couple set up a household, and at funerals, charitable contributions in lieu of flowers may be requested. These donations honor a final wish of the deceased and extend their reach into the tangible world.

This barely teenage girl’s party is a fund-raising campaign for a shopping spree. Aside from breaching etiquette, it is in poor taste. It encourages gifts to be ranked against each other; it destroys the pleasure of the giver in finding and selecting a gift; and most importantly, it lacks any sense of adult judgment.

We don’t freely give money to children. As an adult you may feel this child needs a good book or something else to build the inner person, and that is your choice to make.

But if you follow the fiscal intent of the invitation, consider something like a small certificate of deposit which matures in five years. That’s about the time this girl should be starting college and begins to mature herself.

~ Wayne & Tamara

The Tiger’s Stripes

I am 40 and the girl I am dating is 41. We dated many years ago, but after I found out about her promiscuous behavior with some guys on our ball team, I distanced myself from her. I ended up moving away and getting married, and she married someone else.

The first year of her marriage she was seeing an ex-boyfriend, who she describes as her first love, during her lunch hour. Then she met another guy who worked in her building. They flirted and talked about sex during coffee breaks.

Eventually she had sex with him while her husband was out of town and her young son was upstairs sleeping. This troubles me, but she was honest about it which I guess is a good thing.

She admits to being intimate with over 30 men. My latest concern came after we had dated for 10 months. I discovered she sent naked pictures of herself to another man and also met with him. I broke up with her, but she begged forgiveness, agreed to counseling and promised not to see him. Still, I’m not sure I can get over her infidelity.

~ Gordon

Gordon, in the movie “Peggy Sue Got Married” a woman faints at her high school reunion and wakes up in the past, about to graduate. One of her most satisfying moments occurs when she tells her high school algebra teacher, “I happen to know in the future I will not have the slightest use for algebra.”

For most of us that’s true. We don’t need algebra. We need statistics. We need to connect facts with outcomes. Since you don’t trust your gut, then do the math.

She is a woman who plays to every man in the room. The odds are overwhelming she is the person she has always been. One of the most disarming things someone can tell you is, “Trust me. I lied to others but I would never lie to you.”

We wish her well. We hope she has a good life. But because we wish you well, we have to say only a fool would prolong this relationship.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Archive 2009 Direct Answers Archive 2010

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