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The Price of
Inheritance
My father has
always been difficult, and now he seems hell-bent on tearing
down my husband every chance he gets.
For example,
a year ago on a picnic we got a flat tire, and “Edgar,”
my husband, wanted to leave early as we had children with us.
It was a Sunday afternoon in a rural area, and Edgar wanted the
flat fixed before shops closed. Well, Dad objected and gave him
the silent treatment for weeks. Edgar apologized just to restore
peace in the family.
During the annual
family camping trip this June, Dad teased Edgar every chance
he got, supposedly in jest. Dad was out of line--I heard some
of what was said--so I did not encourage Edgar to make an apology.
At Dad’s
house yesterday, he wanted me to read a note he attached to his
will. It contains rude remarks about Edgar and adds under no
circumstances is Edgar to go through Dad’s stuff after he
dies. Dad wants Edgar to read this note after his death. I told
Dad I would not let him read it and he should rewrite it. |
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Edgar goes out
of his way to help Dad. Edgar has not worked for several years
because of rheumatoid arthritis, but he takes care of house and
yard, cooks dinner, does laundry and more. In short, we switched
traditional roles and this has something to do with Dad’s
animosity.
Dad hates everything
about getting old and the changes he’s seen society go through.
He wants it to be 1957 forever. He’s a racist, believes
men should be “real men” and thinks women should stay
at home and be housewives. The older he gets, the worse his temper.
He’s not happy about anything.
I feel depressed
because I hate conflict and try to avoid it at all costs--perhaps
because I grew up with a father who withheld love from his children
when they didn’t do as he wished.
Dad never remarried
after Mom left. That was over 35 years ago, when I was 12. Dad
told me up until five years ago he always expected her to come
back. How sad is that?
By the way, Dad
has disowned all three of his kids at one point or another. For
the last several years it’s been my brother. Dad won’t
take his calls or even accept calls from his children.
~ Traci
Traci, a Robert Frost poem says,
home is a place “you somehow haven’t to deserve.”
Frost was thinking of homes so warm and caring they exceed what
we are entitled to. But your father’s home was a place neither
you nor your brother nor your sister deserved, in another sense
of the word.
People often
experience a conflict between blood and behavior. When they choose
to say blood comes first, they give a family member who acts
up free rein to do whatever they want.
Many try to avoid
this issue by ignoring it. That’s a strategy bringing short-term
gain and long-term pain. It makes the problem worse.
Your father is
cruel. It is not enough to leave an embittered note when he dies.
He wants to watch you cringe as you read it now. Why should your
marriage be clouded by this? Is there a third factor here beyond
blood and behavior?
Money. Are you
and your siblings each hoping to be the last one to find a chair
when the music stops? If that’s the case, realize a man
as bitter as your father may leave his money to none of you.
His dying thoughts might be, “That’ll teach ‘em
not to do what I want.”
If your father
is really from the era of John Wayne and Gary Cooper, he will
respect you more if you say, “We don’t want your money.
And we’re not going to take anymore guff from you.”
~ Wayne &
Tamara
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Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers
appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia,
the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua
& Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya. |
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 Direct
Answers Archive 2009
Direct
Answers Archive 2010 |
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