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Judgment Call
My boyfriend
and I have been together two years and known each other for seven.
How can you know someone for so long but suddenly feel you don’t
know them at all?
A year ago he
moved in but our problem only surfaced recently. We had just
returned from a romantic Caribbean vacation when he began behaving
secretly. When I tried to open up the lines of communication,
he grew defensive and nervous. Up to that point we had shared
everything.
I justified breaking
into his e-mail account to protect myself. To make a long story
short, I found e-mails to four different women. Girl A is a woman
he used to date, Girl B is a woman he currently works with, and
Girl C is the mother of one of his students! Girl D is a girl
from Craigslist.
When I confronted
him, he swore nothing happened with any of these women. He admitted
he has a problem with boundaries and knowing when flirting has
gone too far. At that point I believed him. We had a long talk
and decided a fresh start was in order. We got dressed up and
went out to dinner to affirm our new start. It was behind us.
Or was it? |
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A month later
I logged into his e-mail because to be honest it never left my
mind. I found an intimate e-mail to Girl B dated a day after
our dinner. I also found e-mails answering Craigslist ads for
threesomes.
Since then I
have confronted him two more times. We have had deep talks about
intimacy and our own personal fantasies. I assured him that I
would never judge him, but he had to let me know and not seek
a relationship behind my back. At that point he said he never
wanted to lose me and he wants the same things I do--marriage
and kids.
I’m trying
to be as understanding as possible, but I am supposed to go away
for the weekend, and it appears he has plans to meet up with
Girl B. Even after we talked, I still don’t know who he
is. Help me stop breaking into his e-mail because I know that's
not helping matters.
~ Tabitha
Tabitha, the Greek philosopher
Pyrrho believed we can’t know right from wrong, truth from
fiction, or wisdom from folly. Pyrrho refused to make judgments
of any kind, even whether it was safe for him to cross the street.
Fortunately Pyrrho had friends who kept him from being run over
by wagons or falling off cliffs. Many of us are not so lucky.
The idea that
we can’t judge others is rubbish. Every day we judge. We
judge the depth of the water, the speed and distance of approaching
cars, and what we can afford to buy. Claiming you won’t
judge your boyfriend is an excuse not to do what you know is
right.
Your boyfriend
doesn’t hold intimacy as a value, and you don’t want
to tell him that. Every day you don’t send him packing gives
him another opportunity to weaken your resolve.
When people don’t
put their foot down, it lets others think they can push and push
and push until they get what they want. What you communicate
by not breaking up is that your boyfriend can have you and other
women. You are showing him you don’t have self-esteem and
self-respect.
The one smart
thing you’ve done is break into his e-mail. That shows you
still have enough of the mental defense mechanisms needed to
protect yourself. But if you stay, you know your future. He’s
shown he wants to have sex with other women, and you are signing
up to be part of that.
If you want intimacy
that matters, if you want monogamy and love, he’s not the
one. There’s no guesswork here. Even Pyrrho could see, he’s
not the one.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
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Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers
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 Direct
Answers Archive 2009 |
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