The Question The first thing my partner told me about his mother was that she was a horrid and manipulative woman and that if I allowed her to get too close, she would meddle and ultimately ruin any relationship. However, being the kind, understanding and big family person that I am I spent the last four years trying to cultivate their relationship and fix it. I did this for several reasons: he has no brothers, his father passed away some time ago, and I thought it was really important for him to build bridges with his mother and have a family member in his life. I could see why he had problems with her. She's a robust, opinionated, and quite intimidating woman. For the first three years she constantly put him down in front of me and made him feel small. She also made him feel guilty about everything possible, including not spending enough time with her. One year we spent Christmas with her and the whole of Boxing Day. The following day she was on the phone to him crying and saying she hadn't seen enough of us.

Another time I tried to include her in his birthday, which he didn't want. She was happy and very grateful for this, and we agreed she would cook and I would bake a cake. However, after the dinner she pulled out a bigger and better cake with singing candles just to undermine me.

Helping them rebuild their relationship has been hard with her doing so many difficult things, but I have never once lost my temper or been
rude to her. Whilst a lot of her behavior has been difficult, most of it did not seem spiteful but rather the actions of a lonely, older woman.

To cut a long story short, as they've been getting on better and become closer, I noticed a change in her behavior. All of a sudden she
doesn’t call me or answer my text messages. Her negative comments are now directed at me, and she's started to meddle in our relationship.

I've tried hard to turn the other cheek, but it’s become difficult. Lately she's been making him feel guilty about having me over, and
consequently he's called to cancel me. With her negative, meddling behavior she's trying to cut me out from seeing my partner.

This has sparked big arguments between me and my partner, and ironically he seems blind to her behavior. He can't listen to constructive criticism without becoming defensive, and this gets my back up.

We just got engaged and I want it to work, but I’m worried. My fiancé has accepted that his mother can be difficult and agrees she's become
hostile towards me without reason. However, he doesn't seem to do anything about it. I feel he needs to nip this in the bud and put her in her place.

It makes me have negative feelings towards both of them. I worked hard to get them together and for what? For her to try and cut me out? I
feel silly for trying too hard when I knew she was difficult, bitter, and manipulative. I believe this could be my own fault.

I don't want to be vindictive back, but I do find myself thinking, well, when he comes home I’ll play the same game and make it difficult for him to see her. But I realize this is childish, and honestly my intention has never been to hurt her. What can I do? This woman seems
hell-bent on hurting me.

~ Blake

Blake, you wrote a perfect, elegant short story. If we abridged your letter, both the story and its lessons might be lost. Just as Charles
Dickens’ tales were originally published as serials in newspapers, we are going to borrow a page from Dickens and return next week with the
full answer your letter deserves.

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Archive 2009

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