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Been There,
Done That
I have been in
a relationship for two years. I am 38, he is 49. I have older
children and am also a grandmother three times over. I would
love for us to have our own family, but he is totally against
it. He will not explain why.
Neither of us
has to work so we have plenty of time to spend raising a child.
I have to say it really hurts and is very confusing. I don't
understand how a man can have a child with someone they can't
stand and not have a child with someone they are in love with.
I like to do
what I can to make him happy, so why is the feeling not mutual?
We have a great relationship, and I think adding another child
to the family would make it even stronger. Is that so wrong?
~ Keely |
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Keely, Shakespeare said, “One
man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”
A 49-year-old man may think fatherhood belongs to an earlier
age of his life, and that is especially true when the woman he
is with is a grandmother three times over.
He may also believe
he cannot explain his feelings without insulting you. He may
think you are simply bored or trying to compete with your own
daughters. Whatever his feelings, they are as valid as your own.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
Present Tense
I'm happily attached
to a new guy, but still haunted by a breakup experience from
two years ago where the guy just dumped me with an SMS. We were
together more than three years. Coming from an Asian background
I was taught to be protective of my virginity, but I lost it
to him.
We had regular
sex right up to the end. I was emotionally torn up after that.
However, after a few months I got together with another guy short-term
and had sex once. That relationship only lasted five months,
and I blamed myself.
The greatest
hurt is from the first man, hereafter referred to as "the
jerk.” It haunts me, and I'm afraid it will affect my current
relationship if we ever walk up the wedding aisle.
When I confided
in my boyfriend, he said what matters is our present. He does
not mind my past, but that makes me feel I'm not on a par with
him. How can I get away from the deep hatred and emotional wound
I suffered due to the breakup?
I even wondered,
if the jerk apologized about the hurt he caused, will it close
the case? But I think it’s impossible. When I bumped into
him last year, I tried to open up and communicate with him, but
it didn’t go well.
~ Lee
Lee, when a cake falls off
the table, some people bake another cake, while others stand
around wishing the cake hadn’t fallen. You can’t spend
your life in “if only.” As long as you focus on the
past, something you cannot change, you will not focus on the
present.
Start over, work
on yourself, and stop being intimate with men you aren’t
in love with. If you want marriage, if you want a lifetime relationship,
then live like that is what you want.
Thinking you
can change your sexual history by getting the first man back,
or by changing the past, only allows you to avoid doing things
differently now. You were intimate with men who didn’t marry
you, so you have a history you don’t want. That is what
is upsetting you.
With your current
boyfriend, be fair. Either you love him or you don’t, and
if you don’t, let him go. But an apology from your first
lover won’t fix a thing. It won’t erase what he did
to you. In a fairy tale Pinocchio became a real boy, but in life
a jerk does not become a gentleman.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
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Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers
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& Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya. |
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 Direct
Answers Archive 2009 |
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