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But I’m
The...
About eight years
ago, I first became friends with my college roommate "Cindy."
At the time she was dating "John.” Our friendship ended
shortly before Cindy moved out of our college apartment. In all
honesty, I was going through an unhealthy time, and she had her
own problems.
Not long after
that I got my life back on track, met my future husband, and
attended law school. Four years later, I touched base with Cindy.
In retrospect, my husband thinks I contacted her because I either
subconsciously wanted to show her I was in a good place or wanted
closure.
Cindy was now
engaged to John. Back in college, people didn't think John was
good enough for her, and I thought she was rebelling by dating
him. But I grew to see maybe John was more insecure than anything
else. |
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When I introduced
my future husband to Cindy and John, he did not like John. John
was his usual crass self. He would brag about drinking in college,
talk inappropriately about women, and turn any conversation into
a story about himself.
When I told my
future husband about John's good qualities, he said he was waiting
to see them. He didn't want to become friends with John and Cindy,
but he made the best of it for my sake. In time, John's behavior
started to wear on both of us, and Cindy’s faults became
more noticeable.
Then John offended
me in a whole new way. At our wedding, he met my attorney mentor,
a professor at my law school. She agreed to give John advice.
When her help fell short of actually getting him in, John told
my husband he thought my mentor didn't help at all, and neither
had I.
To top it off,
when I threw a going-away party for an attorney friend at my
house, I invited Cindy and she wanted to bring John. My gut told
me John would either irritate or embarrass me in front of my
boss, attorney friends, and business contacts.
So I politely asked Cindy to
ask John to dress and act conservatively. Mind you, he often
dresses in T-shirts with holes, plays with his tongue ring, and
flips cigarette butts on the lawn. Cindy and John were offended.
I apologized, but inside I was angry. Many times John offended
us, but we didn't make an issue out of it.
The next time we saw them Cindy
talked to my husband while coldly ignoring me. When I spoke with
John, he turned it into an argument and yelled at me in public.
How can I move on so I don't
feel angry towards these people?
~ Marie
Marie, we can all own the sense of going to a school reunion,
or not going, based on what we are now. Your husband is likely
right. You wanted to show Cindy you had gone somewhere and had
a better man than she did.
Everyone in college knew John
as an ass, but you pretended he had a silver lining he never
showed. If that were true, it would work both ways. When we see
someone good, we should suspect they are hiding their bad side.
When we can’t accept that some people are an ass, and that
is their good side, then we spend our lives misjudging others.
If good people go along and don’t
call others on offensive behavior, how can they say something
later on? When they do, it will sound like they are just repeating
something they heard today on Oprah.
Your anger is displaced. You
shouldn’t have mined your past to make yourself feel good
now. Own up to it. It’s on you. Tell your husband, “My
bad. Let’s bid these two adieu.” Then take him out
to dinner and promise, in the future, you’ll be more careful
about swaying him off his feelings.
~ Wayne & Tamara
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Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers
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 Direct
Answers Archive 2009 |
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