A Common Gold Digger My girlfriend and I have been dating four months and get along very well. You could say we are in love. Several things occurred over the past few weeks that made me rethink the relationship and where it is heading. Here are a few facts. She continually communicates with five past lovers. She claims without any trouble she can compartmentalize her feelings between intimacy and friendship. I find this hard to believe. Her last boyfriend was fairly wealthy. Recently she informed me he wanted to give her $5,000 as a Christmas gift "between friends" and then sponsor her son for overnight camp this summer for $3,000. She turned him down, but said she could have taken the money and I never would have known. We have major disagreement on money matters. Her attitude is things will take care of themselves and if things happen, we will just start over. She continually pays overdraft fees at her bank and has no idea how to balance a checkbook or work on a budget. She is eager to start a joint bank account and have all our funds commingled. She has $150 to her name and I have considerably more. I am not comfortable with this. Right now the sex is absolutely incredible! She told me the sex was great with her last two husbands but almost immediately after they married, the sex and any sense of intimacy were over. This is another item I find disturbing. I can see this might happen with one man, but both? I find the odds fairly high. My question is, Should I follow my instincts, take the heartache now and run for the hills, or am I being gun-shy? I think I know the answer but corroboration would be great! ~ Edgar

Edgar, there are two kinds of gun-shy. The first involves fear of a weapon's noise, while the second involves the fear of being shot! You are suffering from the second kind.

This is how we view her. When she said another gentleman offered her $8,000 over Christmas, she was telling you where the bidding now stands. If you want to join in the action, be prepared to go higher. That was her message, and we won't hazard a guess whether the offer was genuine.

The five ex-boyfriends in her life are five small insurance policies she has, each one large enough to tide her over in an emergency. Or if you choose to view it more favorably, each one takes 5 percent of her attention, and that is 25 percent of her attention taken away from you. Do you want to be one of six with a woman, or do you want to be one of one?

It's a well-known fact that men turn off their desire for "incredible sex" after a wedding--in some alternative universe. But not in this one. And while there is no shame in being broke, if an adult with a child can't balance a checkbook, it points to a disorganized personality. When a person with an ordered life joins a person with a disordered one, chaos rules. Water seeks its own level.

You are a smart guy, so why do you want to believe her? Because what she says is one third true, one third fishy, and one third something you want to believe. That mixture is always hard to interpret. And the commingled assets? Merely the price for incredible sex.

The words we would use to describe your letter are pattern, paradigm and archetype. Your letter is a classic of its type, and it points to a vulnerability men have: the confusion between a woman who loves them and a woman who knows how to use a man's sexuality to get what she wants.

This woman has found a way of living in the world, but it's a way you won't be able to live with.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Column Direct Answers Archive 2009

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