Wrong Example I think I'm in a tight spot. My older brother is married with two young children. He was caught having a little Internet fling a few years ago. Nothing happened, but I suppose the correct way of putting it is he emotionally cheated. He felt like crud, and we all thought he had put this behind him. He and his wife have been to counseling, and he did his best to be the best husband ever. Currently they're tense whenever they are together. You can cut the air with a knife, and it seems they are always ready to snap at each other. It's not easy to be around them. My brother and I went to lunch today. Lately he's been constantly texting on his BlackBerry, and today it lit up with a text. I glanced at what he was typing, thinking it was business. I saw him type, "So u say u like to role play. Tell me…" I stopped and looked at the ground. I got a sick feeling in my stomach. So now, what do I do? I really don't think he was texting his wife. They're not sexual or warm toward one another, and even if they were, he would know her likes by now, right? It's a new girl. Got to be. Do I tell my fiancee, who is friends with my sister-in-law? ~ Dennis

Dennis, will you share your thoughts and events of the day with your life partner? Or will you compartmentalize what you say to her?

Your brother's marriage has reached a point where he is leading a second life away from his wife. That's not because it doesn’t concern her, but because he has become a double agent. Such a divide is always present with two people who don't belong together.

You know what is right in a relationship. You saw a wrong happen, and you are affected by it. Your fiancee is also likely to be affected by it. By all means share what you saw. With her you want the closeness, love, and trust which is missing from your brother's marriage.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Sticks And Stones

I am newly remarried and recently my husband compared a part of my body to his ex-wife, who I will call X. We were fooling around, and he grabbed my breast and said, "Nice, but X's are bigger." I freaked.

I flipped him out of his chair, kicked him, and pushed him down the hallway, hitting and screaming at him. Last time I had that much anger and acted like that, I was in my 20s, angry at my first husband, and alcohol was involved.

I feel bad I hit him and have made an appointment for counseling. My husband has apologized, but now I am thinking he must still be thinking of his ex, since he mentioned her body parts like that. I was not previously jealous, but now I am.

He has to maintain a relationship with her as they have a young child together. I am attractive, and she is fat and not very pretty. Should I just drop this? Maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing.

~ Staci

Staci, the old line about sticks and stones is false. Words do hurt, especially from a loved one.

The real story is your feelings toward his ex-wife. In marrying him, you became her hostage. She is a cash and time drain on your marriage. Their child is a reminder of their sexual relationship. Even though you both have a past, you have to wonder, what did he do with her? How do I compare?

The issue to explore in counseling is the basis of your gut reaction. Love, not looks, is the real basis for comparison with the ex-wife. If you and your husband share the deep emotional connection which holds two people together, there is nothing to worry about.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Column Direct Answers Archive 2009

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