Under A Rock On our wedding day, my mother-in-law insisted she had to see me before the ceremony. I had already finished my hair and makeup and was about to walk down the aisle. She proceeded to take lipstick out of her purse and apply it to my face. She said she didn’t want a pale face standing up next to her handsome son at the altar. That was just the beginning. She always feels she is in the right, and she must outdo everyone in every situation. Her husband left her not long after our wedding and needless to say my husband, her only son, had to pick up the pieces. I don’t mind him helping her or fixing this or that, but he has to be at her beck and call day and night. Recently my mother-in-law approached me and asked if my daughter would be getting a job when she turns 15 in June. I looked at her and said, “She will only be 13 this June.” She had the nerve to stand and argue with me at my place of employment about how old my daughter is, claiming I was in denial about my children growing up. This was the last straw. My mother-in-law works in the same place I do. When she walked into the back room, off the sales floor, I followed and unloaded 14 years of pent-up frustrations. I let her have it with both barrels and ended up calling her a bitch. She said she never had anyone speak to her in such a manner. She picked up the telephone and called my husband at work. She told him I had crossed the line, and she was “afraid” of me. Would he please come with her to an emergency meeting with her priest, because she had feelings she didn’t know how to handle. Now what do you do with someone like that? I would like to sit down with her and have an adult conversation, perhaps with a mediator. But it has never helped to talk to her any other time. She even sees a psychiatrist biweekly, and nothing ever changes. ~ Carly

Carly, some people believe compromise and conciliation solve all problems. In short, if you meet your mother-in-law halfway, there will be no bones of contention between you.

Let’s apply that to your situation and see what the result would be. Your mother-in-law says your daughter is 15. You claim she is 13. The two of you must compromise. Your daughter is 14. That’s how silly the idea of compromise sometimes can be.

Most of us are taught to control our anger. But that is not right. What we must control is violence. What we must control is rage. The Greek philosopher Aristotle had a wise view of anger. He viewed anger as a midpoint between rage and being wishy-washy. For Aristotle anger was the emotion which preserves our sense of justice. For Aristotle anger was a point of excellence.

You reached your limit. Your mother-in-law touched your inner core. It wasn’t fair. She was wrong and you were right. When she said no one had ever spoken to her like that, she said more than she intended. When we don’t stand up to people who run over us, they become bolder. The lipstick was the first proof to your mother-in-law that you would let her ruin your day.

In mythology, Sisyphus forever had to roll a huge rock uphill, and the rock forever rolled back down. That’s what dealing with your husband’s mother feels like, and unlike Sisyphus, you don’t deserve the punishment.

Each of us has someone we can’t deal with. We can’t open our mouth around them without feeling bad. Explaining to others what your mother-in-law is like will get them on your side. And if sometimes you lose it, honor your anger as the thing which prevents you from becoming a victim.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Column Direct Answers Archive 2009

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