Full Circle In 2003 I started dating Philip, a man nine years my senior. We dated three months, and he kept our relationship a secret from everyone. Later I dated one of his friends, and we fell in love and married. It was not until I dated my husband that I learned while I dated Philip he was living with one woman and dating another. Yes, three women at one time. But since I was happy, in love, and married to the man of my dreams, it was of no consequence. Three years later Philip has no job and no place to live. My husband says he can live with us until he gets on his feet. He lives with us a year and a half, free of charge, with no job until the last two months. When we asked him to pay a modest rent, he agreed. He makes the first payment, then moves out…and in with my mother! My mother has a history of bad relationships. Her typical man moves in, takes everything she has, and moves on. Needless to say, I am floored. Philip contributes next to nothing to her financially. He’s cheated on my mother twice that I know of. On Monday my mom tells me they are getting married. I tried talking to her and I tried begging, but she thinks he is perfect. I know she is about to make the biggest mistake of her life, but she thinks I am trying to hurt her. We are not even allowed to know when or where the wedding will occur. ~ Brenda

Brenda, your mother’s lack of good judgment shaped your life. She raised you as a woman who would consider dating a man in secret, and she made you a woman who would share her home with a scoundrel and mooch.

When you kept Philip in your circle of friends and sphere of influence, you in effect vouched for him as a good person and trustworthy man. Now this cad is about to be your stepfather. That’s regrettable, but it’s poetic justice for your mother.

The lesson here is that bad things not squelched in the beginning come back to haunt us. You saved a snake from the cold, and when he warmed up, he bit both you and your mother.

~ Tamara

Bullseye

I’ve been dating a man almost a year. The only problem is I am extremely affectionate, but he is the opposite. He says he has always been like this. He is generous and kind to me, but the lack of affection leaves me feeling unloved.

I have tried to let this go because everything else works so well, but it always comes back around in my mind. After our first date, when my best friend asked me how it went, my answer was, “He is emotionally unavailable.”

I feel he stays with me because we get along so well, but he is still in love with the ex-wife who left him. Their relationship was miserable, but everyone seems to know how much he loved her, including me. I don’t think he loves me like he loved her.

~ Kathryn

Kathryn, many women see a wedding as not just a goal but a magical gate. They think when they enter the gate, everything will be splendid. You have the wisdom to look over the gate and see what a future with this man holds.

There is a story from India about an archery teacher who put a target in a tree. When he asked each of his pupils to say what they saw as they aimed, most said they saw the tree, the target, and the other archers. That answer angered the teacher.

One archer, however, won the teacher’s praise. He said when he aimed he saw only the target. That is what you must do. Adjust your aim and shoot for love.

~ Wayne

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Archive 2009

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