|
Dishonorable
Discharge
Seven years ago
I was involved with a married military officer. In the beginning
I was unaware he was married. He chose to tell me after three
weeks. After a lot of back and forth and pursuing me, I weakened,
and the affair lasted six months. Then he, his wife, and children
were moved to another duty station.
In the ensuing
18 months he came back for training, and each time would contact
me. The last time I told him not to contact me again, ever.
He stopped. I finally felt free of guilt, and he never entered
my mind. Two weeks ago, out of the blue, he called. In my mind
we were never friends, so I was surprised he was looking for
a shoulder to cry on.
He is now a colonel,
and he said he was getting a divorce and his wife thought he
was cheating. I asked, “Were you?” His reply was,
“Not really. I was just really close to someone. Sure
we went to dinner a lot because I am stationed far from home
right now and we didn’t want to move our kids out of school.”
I listened for
awhile—I wish I hadn’t—and he told me details
of the divorce. His wife even went to his commanding officer
about the affair. His commanding officer told her, if this was
a pattern, they would have to address it.
I finally stopped
him. I told him I couldn’t listen. I was sad for his family
and had to go. When he e-mailed, I asked him not to contact
me again. Now I am going through all the guilt about being in
an affair with a married man. I need to find my own peace, but
that is a separate issue.
When I put myself
in his wife’s shoes, I would welcome any knowledge. I thought
about contacting her. A friend of mine who has been through
a cheating marriage encouraged me. A friend who is a psychologist
says there is no right or wrong to telling, so do some soul-searching
about whether to tell.
Part of me says
suffer in silence and let it go. That is my lot for participating.
Part of me says his wife should know. Her children and her
life will be affected by the divorce and the knowledge will help.
Yet it will hurt, too.
~ Bree |
|
Bree, this man didn’t
reappear to help you. He didn’t come back to apologize
for the negative impact he had on your life. He came back for
his own purposes. He has himself to blame for picking up the
phone to cry on your shoulder. The question is, what are your
purposes?
There are reasons
you may want to tell. He lied to begin an affair with you, and
you have self-loathing because of it. Now he has put in your
way a chance to do what you could have done when he first approached
you seven years ago: tell his wife. Telling the wife would say
to him, “You cannot use me again without repercussions.”
His wife, as
far as you know, is blameless. She may be struggling with her
decision to divorce. She may feel guilty about separating the
family and making a claim on his military retirement. Coming
forward would confirm the justness of her decision. In addition,
the military has a code of honor, and the military expects excellence,
not deception, from senior officers.
There is a final
reason to tell. It is not to our advantage to let people jump
ahead of us in line, or steal without being punished, or cheat
on exams. The only advantage goes to the cheater. For the rest
of us in society, it is best for the cost of cheating to always
outweigh the benefits. If he won’t man-up and admit his
actions, perhaps you should man-up for him.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
|
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers
appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia,
the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua
& Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya. |
|
|
 Direct
Answers Archive 2009 |
|
- ©
Copyright 1999 - 2010 Pioneer Thinking. All Rights Reserved.
- *
tm; the property of Pioneer Thinking Company.
|
|
|
Print
Forums
Refer Page
submit an article
