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Wading Pool
Almost three
years ago I found out my wife had been phoning a man she met
on a business trip. They talked for about four months, and
she swears they did not meet again, though she made one business
trip back to where she met him. At the time he was married and
55, and she was in her early 40s. I wanted her to tell me his
name so I could call and confront him.
But the therapist
we went to and the one I went to said that would be a bad idea.
My wife says she is sorry and it was the biggest mistake of
her life. I have always planned special getaways to nice places
for us, yet she met this guy at the bar in a chain restaurant
that caters to families and a younger crowd.
Although he is
older I know he has to be good-looking because she is super critical
of looks. My wife is beautiful; I mean she looks like she is
in her 20s. I look older but have been told by many people I
am handsome enough to be an actor. It kills me to think I am
not attractive to her.
I still want
his name because I know with a brief conversation I can establish
whether he slept with her. She says I will never let up even
if I find out his name. She also says she fears I will do something
violent, which is what my therapist said.
In a world that
is unfair and lacks justice, I want some justice. This man came
into my life and ruined it. I can’t ruin his life, but
I can make him uncomfortable.
~ Art |
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Art, the person you have a
vow with is the only person you should be concerned with. Your
wife told you he is older. Perhaps that is the one thing she
thought she could say to settle you down.
But you don’t
know what she said to this man, and if she looks as young as
you say, he may be a younger man she used to feel good about
herself. You are angry at him not because he took your wife,
but because he took your pride. You seek a justice that allows
you to stay with her by putting the blame on him.
Whether this
man is handsome and older or young and dirt-ugly doesn’t
matter. You believe she did something she had no right to do.
The issue is not this person’s identity, but whether the
focus of your marriage has been on looks, not love, and whether
your marriage is more than skin-deep.
Wayne & Tamara
“My
Bad”
I married the
wrong man for the wrong reasons. We have known each other for
about five years and been married less than a year. I know I
am an awful person, right? Before I married Ed I was an energetic
free-spirited person. Now my friends and family tell me I have
changed and not for the better. He is a nice guy, but we don’t
want the same things. Help me figure a way out of this mess.
~ Kiara
Kiara, this isn’t unusual.
Your relationship wasn’t going to end until you married
him. It’s a head game many people play on themselves:
I’ve been with him four years, and unless I get a proposal,
I will feel I failed. Sometimes a mistake has to be fully made
before we can admit it.
Your heart knows
it’s wrong. It doesn’t feel the way it should feel.
So go to him and be honest. Don’t point a finger at him.
Take all the blame on yourself; otherwise his next bride will
suffer for what you have done to him. Take the full burden of
consequences on yourself because that will help you not to do
it again.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
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Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers
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 Direct
Answers Archive 2009 |
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