Enough! I have worked for my present employer six years and been in this industry for 20. Two years ago an aging person, who has been in the business 40 years, came onboard. That after he was fired from one of our competitors for reasons unknown. He is rude and demeaning in what he considers a "fun" way. He selects one or two individuals each day to pick on. He likes to joke about things like me being a homosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but I am not and he knows it. He jokes about things like small private parts, skanky women, and the whole gamut. He's wily enough to pick and choose his targets, and to be sure that the ears that count don't hear. I had been able to handle his daily smut without a problem until recently. The other day he took it too far and I snapped. I said things about his significant other which hit him hard like I didn't think he could be hit. I regretted what I said, but I must admit it felt fantastic to see him squirm. He was livid. It is clear to me that he's not capable of believing he is the problem, and I am certain he is capable of stabbing me in the back with my coworkers, superiors, and outside contacts. How should I handle this? The only thing that comes to mind is going to the principals of the company and reporting continuous slander and foulness. But I'd rather not do that. ~ Robert

Robert, odd as it sounds, researchers have shown we normally believe the first thing we hear unless it is immediately discredited. What we first hear sticks in our minds like gum on the underside of a theatre seat.

That’s why mudslinging works so well in politics. It’s also why good teachers don’t repeat wrong answers to the class. Come test time that’s what most students will remember. People remember slander without remembering the source. That is why you must do something about this.

Most of us have standards of civility. When we run into someone who isn’t bound by our limits, we are at their mercy. Like a thief spotting an unlocked window, they will take as much as they can until they are stopped.

Document what this man says, quote his exact phrasing, and record who was present at the time. Then approach a principal in your firm and explain, “I didn’t want to bring this to you because you have a company to run, but…”

~ Wayne & Tamara

Ear To The Ground

I’ve been married 35 years to the same woman. We dated since we were 15, and she was a stay-at-home mom until the kids grew up. I’ve never hidden anything from her. Everything I own including bank accounts and rental property is in both our names.

In the past few years she’s started to save her paycheck in a separate account under her name only. She defends it saying she’s heard some women in a divorce are shortchanged and she wants to protect herself.

I’ve never done this and I don’t think it’s fair. Perhaps she has plans she is not telling me about.

~ Philip

Philip, when a tire is losing air, at some point you have to pull it off the car, dump it in a tank of water, and find the leak.

“What’s yours is ours, and what’s mine is mine” isn’t fair. Your wife wants private money for what? Gambling, secret credit cards, another man… Is she saving for an Alaskan cruise for the two of you? Or does she merely want something to call her own?

Relationships don’t thrive when placed under a microscope, but because you haven’t both agreed to this you need to find an explanation. Take an unobtrusive look around and listen for the sound of hissing air.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Archive 2009

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