Cold Turkey I dated a girl two years. The first time it ended because she started doing drugs and wouldn’t stop. When she began dating a druggie friend, I continued giving her rides, a place to crash for a night, and money. Then she left him and came back to me. Cautiously I decided to give it another try. Unfortunately I found out she had been dating this other man and me at the same time. It ended once more. Later we started to talk again, but that ended with her taking my time and money, and then leaving. My conscious mind can recognize she is all-around not a good person, much less good for me. I know she has taken much from me and given little in return. My mind seems to have completely gotten over her, but my body can’t seem to. Whenever I see any white car remotely resembling hers, I turn and stare. If I see a girl with the same skin complexion, I can’t help but gaze. When I hear her name, my stomach tightens, and if I see her, I feel immensely downtrodden.

My husband was fine with it when I told him. He was also invited, but he does not have vacation days available. The other day he mentioned a family member cornered him and demanded to know why he was "allowing" me to go on a vacation with my ex.

My husband hasn't said anything, but I think he might be feeling uneasy about the trip now. When I ask him, he says he doesn't care what others think and he trusts me, but I'm not sure he's being honest with himself.

Do you think it's a good idea to go on this trip? If my husband would come out and ask me about it, I would respect his wishes. But he hasn't. I also hate to hurt my mother-in-law or my children by missing out on the wedding. They're going to be the flower girls.

~ Suzie

Suzie, might your honor be worth a few extra dollars in cost, like buying an insurance policy? Then consider flying to the wedding, bringing along a third party, or sending the kids with their father. If none of these is possible, consider this.

Accountants have a concept called opportunity cost, which is a real cost even though it never appears on a balance sheet. For example, the opportunity cost of going to college is four years of lost wages. Most people, however, believe the value of an education far outweighs the wages lost.

In the same way, if you think going with your ex may harm your marriage, the value of your reputation far outweighs the opportunity to attend the wedding. Even something innocent can trip a jealousy trigger, and jealousy is one of those bells which once rung cannot be unrung.

That’s a biological fact. Sometimes a judge must recuse himself, not because he can’t render a fair verdict, but because circumstances might make him look bad. Unfortunately, there is a person in your husband’s life capable of using innuendo to hurt you.

Boiling your letter down to its essence, what is it about? You are concerned about your husband, the man you love, and his feelings. When we get so many letters from people blatantly unconcerned about their partner, how can that not be a wonderful thing?

Unless you are convinced there is a way to go that doesn’t harm your marriage, have a talk with your husband. With a smile and complete acceptance, tell him you are not going. Send a nice gift and a heartfelt note, and count on a woman newly entering marriage to understand.

There is an opportunity cost in staying home, but the payoff for your marriage is huge. His heart, your heart, and your relationship are things no accountant can measure.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Personal Property

I have been with my husband four years, married for two. He has never accused me of cheating but insists that every man in a 10 mile radius is hot on my trail. At least once a month we fight about this.

I always ask why he doesn't trust me, and he says he does trust me, it's everyone else he doesn't trust. I don't know how to fix this. I have tried so hard. He offered to go to counseling but hasn't saved money for it, and I can't afford it either. I pay for everything else.

I am afraid my only option is divorce. I hate that I am tearing apart our family, but I don't know if I can continue. I feel alone, yet we have talked about this many times. I don't think he is capable of change.

~ Vonna

Vonna, your husband is trying to exert property rights over you. He is not in love with you, but he is afraid of claim jumpers. Every time he suggests you could be unfaithful he smirches your character. Every day you stay tells him he has the right to do what he is doing.

Like all good people you think this is your problem to fix. But it’s not up to you. The only fix is letting him suffer the consequences.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Archive 2009

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