I started dating
my best friend when I was 16 and we married when we turned 18.
I was never in love with him, but he was kind and stable and,
coming from a difficult home life, I was content.
When I was pregnant
with my third child, a series of disasters hit our family and
forced us to start life over again. We dealt with these issues
separately and eventually they overwhelmed us. I am now remarried,
and I have regained the easy friendship I had with my ex before
we started dating.
My husband knew
about my relationship with my ex when we married, and he's fine
with it. In fact, he also gets along with my ex, and the three
of us share major holidays and spend time with the children together.
I was very close
to my ex's family when we were married--his mother treated me
like a daughter and I still love her. She now lives about 18
hours away and is remarrying. My ex and I had plans to drive
up together with the children to be a part of this important
My husband was
fine with it when I told him. He was also invited, but he does
not have vacation days available. The other day he mentioned
a family member cornered him and demanded to know why he was
"allowing" me to go on a vacation with my ex.
My husband hasn't
said anything, but I think he might be feeling uneasy about the
trip now. When I ask him, he says he doesn't care what others
think and he trusts me, but I'm not sure he's being honest with
Do you think
it's a good idea to go on this trip? If my husband would come
out and ask me about it, I would respect his wishes. But he hasn't.
I also hate to hurt my mother-in-law or my children by missing
out on the wedding. They're going to be the flower girls.
Suzie, might your honor be
worth a few extra dollars in cost, like buying an insurance policy?
Then consider flying to the wedding, bringing along a third party,
or sending the kids with their father. If none of these is possible,
a concept called opportunity cost, which is a real cost even
though it never appears on a balance sheet. For example, the
opportunity cost of going to college is four years of lost wages.
Most people, however, believe the value of an education far outweighs
the wages lost.
In the same way,
if you think going with your ex may harm your marriage, the value
of your reputation far outweighs the opportunity to attend the
wedding. Even something innocent can trip a jealousy trigger,
and jealousy is one of those bells which once rung cannot be
biological fact. Sometimes a judge must recuse himself, not because
he cant render a fair verdict, but because circumstances
might make him look bad. Unfortunately, there is a person in
your husbands life capable of using innuendo to hurt you.
letter down to its essence, what is it about? You are concerned
about your husband, the man you love, and his feelings. When
we get so many letters from people blatantly unconcerned about
their partner, how can that not be a wonderful thing?
Unless you are
convinced there is a way to go that doesnt harm your marriage,
have a talk with your husband. With a smile and complete acceptance,
tell him you are not going. Send a nice gift and a heartfelt
note, and count on a woman newly entering marriage to understand.
There is an opportunity
cost in staying home, but the payoff for your marriage is huge.
His heart, your heart, and your relationship are things no accountant
~ Wayne &
Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia,
the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua
& Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.
Answers Archive 2009
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