“Good Woman” My fiancée has asked me to find a new friend for my ex-wife. For reasons I cannot fathom, my ex-wife has made a confidante of my fiancée. My ex-wife is a good woman, but she can become clingy and negative. My fiancée, unfortunately for herself, is friendly and polite--very polite. Since my ex-wife has custody of my children, it means that said ex-wife holds power over me, and she has tried wielding this power before. My fiancée is becoming burdened with the neediness of the ex, especially when my ex unloads her own rather idiosyncratic views of me, which is sometimes done on a daily basis. I have been negotiating a revision of custody, parenting time, and child support, all in my favor, and my ex-wife was amenable. But now, as things come down to the wire, she is getting cold feet. Setting her off might not only end up with no gains but actually cause losing ground. Is there anything I can do to help my fiancée without setting off the volcano under my ex-wife? ~ Carl

Carl, a woman told us her ex-husband thinks she still cares about him because she found him a better job. Actually she loathes her ex. What this woman cares about is her son and her ex-husband’s ability to pay child support.

If you want to understand people’s motives, the best place to start is self-interest. Ask yourself why your ex would negotiate a settlement to her own disadvantage. She may have dangled a sweetheart deal in front of you, but if it never goes through, it was never real.

Next ask why your ex wants to be close to your fiancée. It sounds to us like “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” This arrangement allows the ex to find out things she shouldn’t know and perhaps sabotage your relationship.

There is something a little creepy about two women you’ve been intimate with talking to one another. When marriage ends, it is often better for the parties to go back to the civility and distance they had before marriage.

If it weren’t for the children, neither you nor your fiancée would have contact with this woman. We suspect you are both being played. That’s why we suggest reading Susan Forward’s book “Emotional Blackmail.” Being on the dangle is no way to live your life. As you read the book, see if it doesn’t describe your ex.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Is This Love?

My boyfriend and I have been living together a year. We have a wonderful relationship and a deep connection. However, our biggest fights are over his pot smoking. He knows my utter displeasure with this.

Fifteen minutes before we were to meet my parents for an evening out, he smoked pot with his friends. I feel like this is drawing the line. He feels smoking pot is like having a beer. I disagree. I feel we have hit a wall, but I wonder if I am overreacting.

He used to smoke almost every day, now less than once a month. I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but it does. I am sick of fighting over this every time there is smoke in the air.

~ Nuria

Nuria, moments before meeting your parents he does the one thing most likely to irritate you and create problems with them. In his natural state your boyfriend is a pot smoker. In your natural state you don’t like pot smokers. Are you trying to make a career out of changing him?

If you can’t stop his pot smoking in a year, you haven’t been able to touch his attitude, and his attitude is what allows for the pot smoking. Our tastes, our attitudes, and our beliefs make us who we are. More than pot makes him a pot smoker, and more than pot caused him to ambush you.

~ Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.   Direct Answers Archive 2009

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