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Adolescence
I was in a destructive
relationship for three years with a charismatic man. We had two
boys. Drugs, infidelity, and verbal abuse were involved. It took
me a year of planning to leave, and when I did I moved from Latin
America to be as far away from him as possible.
Of course, he
followed. Things got complicated when he got a young girl pregnant
and I forgave him. We tried to make it work again, and I got
pregnant with my third child. He left me to be with her. It is
three years since I separated from him, and I have tried everything
to move on.
While pregnant
I couldn't sleep and cried every day. It was like part of me
was dead. I had my baby and this was an incredible source of
joy. Little by little things changed and I am so much better.
I am happy most of the time and live in peace.
I'm raising my
three boys in a small, quiet town. I enjoy their company and
their love; they are so wonderful. I've read many self-help books,
learned to set boundaries, and know I can make it alone. I guess
I'm growing up now that I'm about to turn 40. |
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The problem is
I keep slipping in and out of obsessive thoughts that I might
get back with my ex, or perhaps he'll realize what a jerk he
was and change. He called recently to tell me he broke up with
this girl. He told me so many details I feel I went back a few
steps just by listening!
Of course, they
are back together again, but he wants to buy some land with me
and build a house. I don't want this anymore. I'm willing to
do anything to be free of this relationship, but we have three
boys and my oldest one calls him every day. It’s almost
impossible to dislodge myself from this bond.
~ Mara
Mara, boy-crazy teenage girls
willingly give up their self-respect for a charismatic teenage
boy. But when they outgrow that phase, they cut off any male
who disrespects them. You haven’t grown up yet. Until you
stop chasing the cute boy who used you, this cycle will continue.
There are three
things you can do. First, ruthlessly curtail your interactions
with him. Limit conversations to matters essential to your sons.
Second, when you find yourself obsessing about him, label it
for what it is. It is not you, an adult woman, talking; it is
a boy-crazy teenage girl. Third, redirect your energy into other
areas.
Lovey-dovey talk
is cheap, empty promises are worthless, and actions reveal character.
In a relationship with a male, there is only one standard for
woman: his every action proves he loves me. An immature girl
may nourish a fantasy about a man who abuses her, but an adult
woman sees him for who he is--someone who will use her as long
as she lets him.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
Low Road
I have been dating
my girlfriend a year. We dated a couple of months while she was
still living with her previous long-term ex. Officially she was
cheating, however, I figured our association was a stepping-stone
out of what she called “a difficult relationship.”
I recently learned
she cheated on him several times over many years. I recoiled
at this. She explained the latest of these episodes was eight
years ago. This casts doubt on my belief she could be faithful
to me. Should I pull the plug before I get in too deep, or give
her the benefit of the doubt and proceed with caution?
~ Barry
Barry, the last time she cheated
wasn’t eight years ago. It was a few months ago. With you.
How can you give your heart cautiously? Why don’t you realize
momentum may keep you with her when your worst fears are realized.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
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Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
Direct Answers
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 Direct
Answers Archive 2009 |
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