 Building
Up Your Marriage with Healthy Communication
- By Douglas Cowan, Psy.D.
Would you like to have a stronger,
healthier, more enjoyable marriage? I am sure that you would.
And yet we live in a culture where about half of all marriages
will shatter and end in a divorce, leaving behind the wreckage
of broken adults and broken children.
If we are to build healthy marriages,
we much do so "on purpose." We cannot just hope that
it will happen by accident. "Hope," say the generals,
"is not a good strategy." Planning, work, and the investment
of time, are much better strategies for any important endeavor
of life. The first characteristic of a healthy marriage for us
to consider is the way that we talk to our spouse, and the way
that we talk about our spouse..
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Healthy marriages are characterized
by supportive, encouraging, and honest communication. We want
to build each other up in our marriages, never tear our spouse
down (especially under the guise of being "honest").
Two thousand years ago St. Paul wrote this verse that is worthy
of every refrigerator door in America,
"Don't let any
unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful
for building others up, according to what they need, so that
you can benefit those who listen." (Paul's
letter to the Ephesians, Chapter 4).
There are three important parts
to Paul's verse. |
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First, that if we don't have something
good to say, don't say anything at all. I think my mother told
me that as well.
Second, that we should consider
our listener's needs. My wife has a different set of needs than
does my daughter, or my sons. We should consider how best to
encourage and support that particular person.
Finally, the purpose of our talking
in the first place should be to benefit the listener.
When I first began to seriously
apply Paul's principle, and I began to really look at what I
was saying, and why I was saying it, my vocabulary and my time
talking were cut by about one-third.
I had become sarcastic, but funny.
But my funny sarcasm was always at the expense of another. When
I determined to build others up and benefit them with my speech,
I talked a lot less. But I became a much better person, both
inside and out.
Check your motives. If you just
want to make yourself look good, you will tend to be sarcastic,
and you will tend to "tease" other people by degrading
them in front of others. The consequences of this will be that
your friends will see your "teasing" as shameful, and
your spouse and your children will grow distant from you. It
may cost you your marriage.
If, on the other hand, your motives
are to build up and encourage your spouse and children, then
speak words of support, love, and praise to them. Your friends
will view you as a loving person, and your spouse and children
will always want to be near you. They will love to hear you talk,
as your words will be "like honey" to them.
So choose well how you will use
your words. You have the power to build up, or to tear down,
just by the choices that you make. |
