Relationship Advice - Dating - Marriage - Divorce

Weekly column for the week of: January 9, 2012

Direct Answers

by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell

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The Bottom Line

I have been dating my boyfriend a little over seven years. We are now in our mid-20s. We always talked about getting married, getting a place together, and having a family.

Almost two years ago he lost his job due to downsizing and has yet to find another full-time job. I graduated with my master's and started working at a job right away. Now I am fortunate to be in my dream career.

I'm ready to get my own place and move on with my life, but my boyfriend is still nowhere near there. How long should I wait for him to get his life together before I date people who are going somewhere in their lives? Or should I be perpetually patient and stick it out?

I love him and can't imagine myself with anyone else, but it is very frustrating. His lack of a job prevents him from moving on with me. I'm getting my own place regardless.

- Anne

Anne , it's a good thing for your boyfriend you see that his lack of a job affects your feelings for him. Instead of we, you see it as me.

Three elements are at work here. One is accounting. There was once a merging of fortunes, but now he has no fortune to merge. Two is the clock. There is no timelessness between the two of you, no in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. Instead, it's "I will only wait so long."

Three is familiarity. You mistook sameness in background and history for love. When his vessel ran aground, so did your love.

We are not scolding you. People cannot change their genuine, at rest nature. It's who they are. If you pretend to be someone you aren't, you will be unhappy and hurt whoever you are with.

You were together very young. Probably too young. You don't want to be with him now not because his prospects have dimmed, but because you don't love him. So the thing is, stop telling him you do.

- Wayne & Tamara

Kiss And Tell

I am 18 and I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for a year. We consummated our relationship by sleeping together. We had a real connection, and I was the only one he could simply sit down and talk to.

Lately we fought. After that it was a cycle. Arguing and fighting, talking and resolving, then right back to arguing. It was horrible. Every day I found myself feeling more depressed and alone.

Finally I broke it off. I ignored him for a month, which was not easy. Then I met the new guy at work. He is 21 and treated me like a queen from the start. We have been involved for three months. I'm not saying we're going to run off and get married. I'm 18 for crying out loud! But we do have a solid connection.

I slept with the new guy. I finally got the guts to tell my ex about us and what we had done. It was hard for me because I know how much he still cared about me. After my ex found out, he used every curse word in the dictionary, saying how much he hates me and how big a slut I am.

So please tell me, did I do something wrong?

- Barb

Barb, are you as naïve and innocent as you pretend? If another girl told you she had sex with your ex, might the first word out of your mouth be, "Slut!" And what would her motivation be for telling you? Obviously to hurt you.

Why did you tell your ex? Obviously to hurt him. Someone else is having me, that's what you said. If you were trying to make him jealous and angry, you succeeded.

Gentlemen never tell, is an old expression. It's a maxim you could learn from.

- Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

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