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I Smell A .

I was in love for the first time with a man for five years while he was a student at an elite university. We were secretly engaged to be married quietly. During the last year he was away for other training. Two months before the wedding, he called it off.

A year later, on the same day we were to be married, he married another woman. Four years later I married, and today I am divorced from the man I settled for.

Forty-three years later the first man contacted me. We met and he told me this story. He claims he is happily married. The reasons he did not marry me were he thought I was smarter than him, he did not want to take me from my family, and he did not think I would like the travel involved in his career.

None of these things were told to me at the time. He said he thought about me for years and would not come to our home city for fear of seeing me. He said he checked to be sure I was divorced before contacting me.

I am so angry with him for reentering my life. I still cannot believe him. Plus, how dare he say he is happily married and was still thinking of me, even while making love to his wife! After talking awhile following our brief reunion, we stopped all communication. Have you ever heard a crazier story?

- Ursula


Ursula, plane geometry involves proving propositions from axioms. When Wayne was in school, he had a geometry teacher who often grew impatient with the illogical reasons students offered as proof. When students threw out any old thing they could think of, the teacher would interrupt and say, "You're just throwing manure at the barn wall in hopes that some of it will stick."

That seems to describe this man's reasons for breaking your engagement. What woman wants a secret engagement? She wants to shout it from the rooftops and show the ring. So I would surmise secrecy was his idea, and if the promise of marriage changed the nature of your relationship to his benefit, that's the proof.

Oliver Wendell Holmes said, "The character of every act depends upon the circumstances in which it is done." Forty-three years ago this man engaged you in secret, and when he was out of town, he broke the engagement. Then he rubbed your nose in it by marrying another woman on the same date the following year.

Forty-three years later, in another act of disloyalty, he comes to you without his wife's knowledge, and shares a vulgarity about their lovemaking which you didn't want to know. It appears he stirred the pot and is waiting to see if it starts simmering. If you go forward, then it's all on you.

It's too bad more things in life are not like a hot stove: touch it once and you learn the lesson of getting burned forever. This man said I love you, I love you, I love you, and then in a way which would satisfy even Wayne's old geometry teacher, he proved the opposite. But women often cling to memories of their first love, especially when the relationship involves physical intimacy.

You are no longer the innocent girl you once were. You are a mature woman who can see that actions are the proof of character. You cannot project that a life with him would have ended well simply because your need for the right partner was never fulfilled.

When we think of things in our own head, we don't have to phrase them charitably or in shades of grey or in psychologically correct terms. We are free to think in terms which express both the situation's reality and our legitimate anger. You are free, for example, to think the moral of this story is: once a rat, always a rat.

- Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.