Blue Jeans My name is Emily. I'm 18. Three years ago my dad cheated on my mum and left to live with his mistress. My dad's family own and live on a dairy farm where they have worked since before my dad was born. When my parents got married, my mum worked alongside them. Now my mum, 9-year-old brother and I have to leave our house so my dad and his girlfriend, and her family, can move back in and run the farm. These past years have been hell for me and no one seems to have noticed. It's only noticed when one parent is trying to show the other they are the cause of my upset. - Emily

Emily, you didn't sign on for your dad to cheat and kick you out of your home. Of course, you are upset. But at 18 you are powerless.

Or are you?

Do you think it will help to have your say with both your parents in the room? Can you send them an invitation to listen to you at a particular date, time and place? Pretend this is like a school project. You are going to give your speech, and you have a right to be heard.

Write down what is happening and how you feel about it. Then make three copies, one for you and one for each of them. If your feelings are too strong, they can read what you wrote even if you are too overwhelmed to read it.

Taking your dad's side, he would want the farm back since it's his family's farm. But you are his family, too. You are his biological child. Your mother is someone he made a promise to, but you are the product of his body. You have a stake in the farm and so does your brother.

Talk to your father about that stake. Can there be another home on the property? Are there other options? You can't be erased no matter how many women he chases.

Sometimes you have to stand up for your rights. Sometimes people have to be told. It's his parents' farm, but you are their grandchild. Tell him, "I don't accept you displacing me from my home. What I need from you is..."

You are entitled to make a stink. You have nothing to gain by being quiet. Silence accepts, and you cannot be silent anymore.

Then make plans for your future, and set your own goals in life.

- Wayne & Tamara

Biological Imperative

I am wondering if you believe a marriage where infidelity has occurred can survive and even improve?

- Lindsay

Lindsay, what's the problem with staying? The problem is our reaction to being cheated on is biological, in our genes. It's part of who we are as human beings. It is universal.

How do we know that? Because research done on the human reaction to cheating has been conducted in cultures ranging from Japan to the United States to tribal people in the Amazon rain forest.

Revulsion, the universal reaction to cheating, has been found in all these cultures. Just as interesting, kids as young as three and four react to being cheated on in the same way. This is an unlearned response.

We may be capable of talking ourselves into anything or talking ourselves out of anything, but our gut won't go along. Cheating is the ghost which always haunts a marriage. It doesn't matter how sincere someone is in trying to help the injured party, or if their desire to help is based on genuine religious conviction, it doesn't change our biology.

The only exception to this rule is people who have been emotionally damaged in childhood. They are so used to abuse, they may accept this new abuse as normal. But the normal reaction of normal people to being cheated on is disgust, a disgust which won't go away.

- Wayne & Tamara

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com. Direct Answers appears in newspapers in the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, Grenada, Guyana, Spain, Lesotho, South Africa, Antigua & Barbuda, Papua New Guinea, and Kenya.

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