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Whose Children?
Our firstborn
adult son no longer allows us to visit at his house or see our
only grandchild, now a teenager. It has been four years of being
shunned for issues which he stated in a four page e-mail and
which I say did not happen.
He knows what
I presented are the truthful facts; however, he continues with
the emotional extortion, certainly against us, and by example
to his maturing child. His wife is a health professional who
earns a high income. We have known her over 20 years, since she
was 14.
We don't want
to go to court to secure grandparent visitation as the judge
would probably ask the child if our visits would be acceptable.
We feel the grandchild may say no so as not to upset
the parents.
We don't know
what our son has told his child about why we no longer visit.
We keep in touch with cards, and still send birthday and holiday
gifts. However, we have not received a thank you from either
of them.
~ Gayle |
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Gayle, regular readers of the
column may sometimes be shocked by a letter we print, but the
truly horrific letters never make it into the newspaper. These
letters about sexual, physical, and emotional abuse--and cases
of huge neglect--are in a whole different category.
Whatever your
son is saying must be grave because you wont repeat it
and you wont let it pass. Typically when there is noteworthy
abuse and the victim grows up and can voice it, the parents deny
it. As proof of the denial, the parents go after the grandchildren
and assert their grandparents rights.
While it is true
an adult childs complaint may be no stronger than you
get on my nerves, and in some cases the adult child may
be mentally ill, we balance that against the greater evil of
giving abusers lifetime access to their children and their childrens
children.
Serious abusers
pursue the third generation as ruthlessly as they mistreated
the second. There isnt enough information in your letter
for us to decide what happened, but one thing we know. This seldom
happens with good parenting.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
Clear Conscience
About a year
ago I met this great guy from India who was working on contract
here. We started a relationship, and I fell in love. I kept my
feelings from him, and he did the same. There is a reason I am
like this--before we started going out I had an intimate relationship
with another man.
In India guys
don't appreciate this from girls, so I never told him. Recently
he went back to his country, and all communication stopped. After
months of worrying if I will ever see him again, he finally contacted
me. It felt good.
I am not a liar.
I was tired of keeping this from him and wanted to start a fresh
life, so I decided to tell him the truth. When I did, he never
replied to my e-mail. Are we over? What should I do?
~ Rani
Rani, somewhere in an old file
cabinet in the back of the male brain is a set of instructions
on women. These directives tell a man not to accept a woman who
has been intimate with another man. Biologists theorize the instructions
were written by nature to ensure a man would at least take care
of his own children.
Though many men
dont believe the instructions, men from cultures which
reinforce them usually do. Because we are better off living in
reality, we are better off being honest. But there are a few
exceptions. One would be when honesty is merely cruel. Another
would be a womans sexual history.
You will be happier
with a man you can be honest with, but women should know many
men will have a kneejerk response to their intimate history.
~ Wayne &
Tamara
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Authors and columnists
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters
to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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Answers Archive 2009
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