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Father's Care - pg2
By: Charles A. Smith
Influence. Building the Relationship
Once involvement is established
in a relationship, influence is the next step. Each person wants
to feel that what he or she says or wants is important to the
other. Each wants to be listened to and included in discussions
and decisions. This sense of personal power promotes feelings
of self-worth and respect for the other person.
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Influence is an important issue
in parent-child relationships. Fathers as well as mothers want
their children to listen to them and to obey their limits. Occasionally
parents have to exert control over their children's behavior.
They may allow no debate over whether a child can stick gum on
furniture, play with matches, or sit on the car while someone
is underneath changing the oil.
While parents have to be reasonably
firm at times, there are occasions when they might yield to their
children's wishes and grant permission for safe, enjoyable activities. |
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Giving children privacy, letting
them choose their own clothes, and allowing them to make their
own purchases with their allowances are examples of giving influence
to children.
When they show respect for their
children's wishes but also set and maintain reasonable limits,
parents send another clear and emphatic message:
I care enough about you to provide
you with the guidance you must have to grow up to be a happy
and responsible person. I will use my strength to protect and
nurture you. But I am also interested in what you think is important
for yourself. I will gradually let you make more and more decisions
on your own so that by the time you reach adulthood, you will
be able to care fully for yourself. I respect you, and I know
I am worthy of your respect.
Children want their parents to
be strong. They need to feel protected from a sometimes threatening
world and from their own immaturity and loss of control. But
they do not want to be overwhelmed by their parents' dominance.
For their own self-respect, children need a measure of personal
influence.
What the Research Shows
Research on father-child influence
demonstrates that:
(1) Children typically have viewed
fathers as more rigid, threatening, and demanding than mothers.
(2) Fathers usually are stricter
than mothers and more likely to punish children, but mothers
may use a wider variety of punishments.
(3) Mothers who take authority
in decision-making in the home seem to have a marked effect on
boys, lowering their sons' tendency to imitate their fathers
and thus their masculine orientation. Father-dominance, on the
other hand, does not lower the femininity of girls.
(4) Fathers' involvement in setting
limits and making decisions increases their influence in the
family, especially with their sons.
(5) Moral judgment is at a low
level in boys and girls who view their father's control as overly
dominant.
(6) Children may experience personal
problems and difficulty in school if they are frequently dominated
and punished by their fathers.
(7) Delinquent boys are likely
to have fathers who are controlling, rigid, and prone to alcoholism.
These fathers may use physical punishment as a form of discipline,
and they tend to be inconsistent and erratic in their childrearing
techniques.
Suggestions for Fathers
Children both admire and fear
their father's strength. On one hand they want their father to
be strong and powerful (in the sense of being self-confident
and determined) but they may also be frightened at times by that
power. Walking the middle ground between dominance and permissiveness
can sometimes be difficult for a father.
How can fathers establish a sense of influence? First, they can
establish and maintain reasonable limits for their children.[7]
Children respect parents who provide firm but gentle guidance.
But they also benefit from parents who gradually allow them to
make decisions on their own.
Fathers could also be responsive
to their children's interests. Instead of always telling them
what to do, fathers could listen and be responsive to their children's
suggestions whenever possible. When shopping, for example, a
father might let his 5-year-old choose one or two stores to visit.
Similarly, a father might ask his son or daughter to suggest
a game to play or a movie to see.
There are times, though, when
children do not have these kinds of choices. Parents often have
to have the final word. The goal might be to achieve an appropriate
balance of influence in the relationship.
Affection: The Relationship
Deepens
When people feel accepted and
respected in a relationship, they will begin to develop close
feelings of mutual affection. Parents who are never involved
with their children and are either too permissive or too dominant
are not likely to become close to their children. Fathers who
expect to be constantly vigilant disciplinarians who show no
tenderness create a climate of coldness that puts distance in
their relationships. Sometimes the effect can be painful.
Following a presentation to a community group, the speaker was
approached by a man who wanted to ask a question about his adult
son. He said that he and his boy had never been close. He was,
in his words, the typical busy father who disciplined his kids
but didn't show them much affection. Not long ago he suffered
a heart attack and was not expected to live. When his son visited
him in the hospital room they experienced a moment of intimacy
that the father found deeply rewarding. For the first time in
their lives both men expressed their love for each other. The
words, "I love you, Dad" meant a great deal to this
very sick father. Following his recovery, however, he realized
he was gradually slipping back into his old patterns of coldness
and isolation.
"How can we tell each other
about our good feelings?" he asked. The threat of death
made this man more aware of the emptiness that existed between
him and his son. He was struggling with the idea that although
change would be difficult there was hope if he was willing to
take risks and make the effort.
By expressing affection through
words and deeds, parents send another clear and emphatic message
to their children:
I want to be close to you; I
love you. You are special to me. I am willing to share myself
so you can get to know me better. You give me joy.
In our closest relationships
we seek these bonds of affection. Talking about these feelings
has traditionally been easier for women than for men, but, like
the father in the previous example, men are beginning to acknowledge
the importance of intimacy and affection. They also are more
willing to express the softer, gentler side of themselves.
What the Research Shows
Research on father-child affection
demonstrates that:
(1) Generosity in preschool boys
was more likely when they viewed their fathers as nurturant,
affectionate, and comforting.
(2) Altruism in children grades
3 to 6 was more likely when their fathers participated in caring
for them during infancy.
(3) Loving fathers who provide
reasonable, firm guidance without arbitrarily imposing their
will promote competence in their children. Unloving, punitive,
authoritarian fathers tend to produce dependent, withdrawn, anxious,
and dejected children.
(4) Warm, accepting fathers tend
to have children with high self-esteem. Alienated adolescents
view their parents as hostile and nonaccepting.
(5) Warm, affectionate fathers
influence the development of their children's sex-role behavior;
they also have a positive influence on achievement and peer popularity
in boys and personal adjustment in girls.
(6) Adolescent daughters recalled
less affection and support from their fathers than the fathers
recalled expressing. Daughters wished they had received, and
fathers wished they had given, more affection and support.[8]
(7) Adolescent boys who thought
they were similar to their fathers were likely to be popular
with their peers.
(8) Adolescent boys were more
likely to be similar to their fathers when the fathers were perceived
as rewarding, gratifying, and understanding. These same boys
usually scored high on the masculinity scale of the questionnaire.
(9) Mothers are more interested
in the nursing and care of newborns when fathers are emotionally
supportive.
Suggestions for Fathers
A parent-child relationship might
be compared to a bank account. Every negative act - a frown,
a slap, a "no" or "I'm busy" - is like a
withdrawal from the account. In contrast, affectionate, caring
actions are like deposits in the relationship account. If the
withdrawals exceed the deposits, the relationship breaks down
into mutual distrust and isolation - it becomes bankrupt. Fathers
who have to make a large number of withdrawals can do so if their
deposits of warmth, support and nurturance are high enough. Fathers
can be both tough when necessary and tender when needed.
Tenderness can be difficult for some fathers because of its association
with sexuality. One expectant father was concerned that he could
have difficulty expressing affection if he had a son. He thought
he might feel uncomfortable kissing and hugging a little boy.
As it turned out, a son was born and he and his father are affectionate
and close. The new father felt no hesitancy about expressing
his feelings. Some fathers may become uncomfortable with expressing
affection to adolescent daughters. This unfortunate association
of affection with sexuality can deprive people of the closeness
they deeply need in their relationships.
There are many ways in which
men can express their affection for their children. Some may
feel comfortable talking with their children. Others may let
their actions reveal their feelings. Some expressions, like hugging,
are obvious while others, like quiet self-sacrifice, are more
subtle. There is a danger in letting our actions speak for themselves:
subtle forms of affection can easily be overlooked or misinterpreted.
Words can enrich what we do by making our actions more easily
understood by others. Children sometimes need to hear their father
say "I love you" to fully appreciate what he does for
them. On the other hand, words not backed by action may sound
hollow and false. Every father will develop his own style of
showing affection in his relationships with others in his family.
Few events will change a man's
life as much as becoming a father. Being a father can be both
frightening and frustrating. For many fathers, nothing makes
them more angry than a defiant, stubborn child. Being entrusted
with the responsibility for the care of another person can be
an awesome task. But the opposite can also be true. Nothing may
give a father more pleasure than to see his children gradually
grow into adulthood, to have his affection returned in good measure
and to have his deepest feelings of self-worth confirmed. Regardless
of the mask they sometimes wear, whether it be one of casual
aloofness or macho toughness, fathers' feelings for and about
their children run deep. Fathers care. |
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