- Bribery vs. Reinforcement
- By Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
I agree. Bribery does not work.
However, parenting experts continue to tell folks to reward their
children’s behaviour. The experts talk in terms of “reinforcement”
but sometimes the parent hears “bribery” and as such,
parents do not want to participate. Parents learn that bribery
does not work; that they cannot buy good behaviour… and
the parents are correct.
The problem here is not with
the parent, but with miscommunication on the part of parenting
experts. We need to clarify what is meant by reinforcement and
the difference between that and bribery.
Bribery is paying BEFORE behaviour
is delivered. With bribery, parents pay in advance for the “promise”
of delivery. However, with payment already in hand, many kids
fail to deliver. The child, having already received payment,
falls short on delivery while still enjoying the payment. The
parent feels deceived or taken advantage of, which in turn leaves
parents even more frustrated than when they started.
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Rather than buying behaviour,
reinforcement is based upon paying AFTER delivery. So rather
than buying behaviour, we are rewarding behaviour that has already
been delivered. Big difference.
There is a very good reason most
companies have policies against pay advances. Even in adult behaviour,
the likelihood of delivery is less when they are paid in advance.
When homeowners negotiate with contractors for home renovations,
they negotiate a partial payment to cover some expenses in advance
and a “holdback” in order to maintain the motivation
of the contractor to finish the job to agreed upon standards. |
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So the difference between bribery
and reinforcement is that with bribery the reward comes before
delivery and with reinforcement, the reward come after delivery.
This rule is also known as Grandma’s Rule, “Finish
your dinner, then you get desert.” The trick is for the
parent to not back down even in the face of the child’s
arguments; dinner first, desert second.
Reinforcement is a reasonable
approach to shaping behaviour. Let’s face it, few adults
would continue in their job without a paycheck at the end. The
paycheck for kids however, does not have to be money or extravagant
gifts. Just as parents appreciate recognition for their contribution
at work, kids appreciate recognition for their efforts and contributions
at home and school.
In the absence of such recognition-reward-reinforcement,
kids like adults, feel unappreciated, then disconnected and then
resentful. The same process that leads to disgruntled employees
leads to disruptive kids. Flip side is, reward given as recognition,
attention and appreciation after deliver, goes a long way to
improving relationships and increases the likelihood of future
delivery… on the same terms.
Hopefully this clarifies the
difference between bribery and reinforcement. Your kid cleaned
up… let them know how pleased you are. |
Beauty Secrets of the World
