How To Rebuild Your Life
After A Divorce
Suddenly you're single after
years of marriage. This always results in a serious blow to the
old ego of at least one of the persons involved. It's a traumatic
experience - a time that's very difficult to live through - and
a feeling that isn't easy to recover from - yet life does and
must go on.
When divorce occurs, and you
feel as though your life has been shattered, the first thing
you should do is start leading the life of a single person immediately!
You should force yourself to make a date at least once a week.
Start noticing other people, join in the activities of the singles
crowd, and get back into the swing of things.
Indeed, the sooner you start
dating, even if it's only dinner with someone you work with,
sooner the pain will subside.
Basically, you should just go
out and not concern yourself with the "yes or no" possibilities
of a sexual encounter.
It's most important however that
you don't expect too much of yourself too soon. Generally it
takes about two years for the victim of a divorce to get over
the hurt and for most of the scars to heal. Anyone thinking or
believing they're ready for any kind of permanent relationship
in less time, is probably living in a world of make believe and
heading for a repeat of past mistakes.
As a newly divorced person, you'll
probably experience several "transitional relationships."
These are also a necessary part of your healing process, and
though you may think you care a great deal about them at the
time, it's best that you remember these are only temporary encounters
with transitional partners. You needn't feel guilty about breaking
off one of these relationships because you may very well be someone's
transitional partner later on in your life.
Your best opportunities for meeting
new friends and possible marriage partners are within the normal
course of business and social events. It's also generally within
your best interests to join in the activities of a local Singles
Organization such as Parents Without Partners or Singles International.
Then too, you should ask your friends and co-workers to introduce
you to people they know that you might enjoy.
With your dates, you should avoid
talking about your ex-spouse. If you feel you have to talk about
your divorce, pick a special friend or attend some of the organized
"rap sessions" for divorced persons in your area.
You should also avoid introducing
your dates or new friends too quickly to your children. Such
introductions too quickly can have innumerable adverse effects
on everyone concerned.
You'll find that sexual freedom
and less formal lifestyles have definitely changed the etiquette
of dating over the last few decades. As an example, a man should
not be surprised if after asking a woman out a few times, she
asks him out. And a woman should not be hesitant to ask a man
out for a backyard barbeque or even to a movie she'd like to
Much of the romance and magic
of the traditional courtship game still works. Soft music, candlelight,
and good food are still very much in vogue. Even the grand gesture
of an evening on the town in style or a spur of the moment trip
to the beach or to a hideaway in the mountains.
Regardless of the pain, the bitterness,
or exasperation, it's essential that you remember your children
and continue to be a good parent. In fact, you should do all
within your means to be a better parent than you may have been
before the separation. This is because regardless of how they
seem to be taking it, or what they do or don't show, divorce
is more often than not harder on the children than on the parents.
They usually become much more curious about your day-to-day routine,
who you're seeing and your happiness.
Just remember, time and people
will cure all your ills, and you will be happy again!