Rebuilding: Choosing Family

By: Jennifer Snyder

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” - Jane Howard

Earlier this month I stumbled upon this quote by Jane Howard and it has stayed with me. Women going through separation and divorce need support. They need a tribe or a safety net of people to put them back on their feet or lift them up.

Do you remember the gymnastic endeavor where individuals line up around a big piece of fabric and hold the edges then lift together, sending the person standing in the middle of the cloth high into the air? I think this is an excellent analogy for the kind of support that enables us to build a life after divorce. When flesh and blood family members are unable to provide the support we need, we get to choose the members of our clan. Remember, building a new life centers around your choices and priorities. Isn’t that wonderful? Who do you choose to be in your family, your clan, or your network? Perhaps you are fortunate enough to receive all the support you need from your family of birth. You are lucky; but keep in mind that even the most well intentioned family members suffer their own degrees of loss when marriages end.

Understand that as much as they want to support you, they may not always be able to provide nurturing when you need it most.

I had an opportunity last month to watch my best friend surrounded by her tribe. She and I have known one another for twenty-three years, and I’ve watched her grow from a high school senior to the matriarch of her family. During our visit, I witnessed this friend orchestrate an event for her clan of siblings, her significant other, nephews, co-workers, and assorted friends. These individuals are clearly a family.

Following my own divorce, I worked hard to discern who and what mattered most to me. As I wrestled with developing my new vision of family, I turned to creativity to help me identify those people with whom I felt most connected. In doing so, I painted a watercolor patchwork where soft pastel lines wove through one another. The weaving symbolized my life and on each line were the names of my closest loved ones. They included the names of my dearest friends, immediate and extended family, and even my mother’s friends who have always nourished me. This framed representation of my family was a comforting reminder when faced with adversity, and a celebration when times were grand.

When I remarried seven years ago, the most important aspect of my wedding was that my eight closest friends receive recognition for standing beside me through thick and thin. They are an integral part of my family.

Since then, as individuals come and go, or I am blessed with new family, my tribe continues to shrink and expand. The number in one’s support system isn’t important; what matters is the depth of connection and commitment.

I have seen incredible bonding occur among participants during my divorce workshops. These women understand what the others are experiencing and reach out to offer strength; often receiving great care in return.

What kind of support could you offer to other separated and divorced women and what might you receive in return?

Who is proud to call you a member of their closely-knit circle of love?

Most importantly, who do you consider to be part of your own family?

As Jane Howard said, “Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.”