- Life Changing Tips For Boomers:
- Rewire Your Brain To Control Your Emotions,
and Make Positive Life Choices
- By: Karen Sherman, Ph.D.
Do You Seem to Get Caught
Up in the Same Old Reactions?
Have you ever blown up at your
spouse only to realize-after the smoke cleared-that you might
have over-reacted just a tad? Maybe you learn that you haven't
been invited to your uncle's friend's sister's birthday party
and you behave as if it's the slight of the century.
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Sometimes even the most minor
snafu can send us storming out of the room, slamming down a phone,
or just shutting down entirely. It's like we just can't help
it-the reaction is as automatic as a mallet to the knee.
Science Reveals It May Not
Be Your Fault
New research indicates that these
habitual, knee-jerk responses go way back to our childhood. As
youngsters, we learned to adapt to our families' idiosyncrasies
as a way of survival. Psychologists used to refer to these coping
mechanisms as our baggage-but what science has now shown us is
that these responses are actually hard-wired into our brains.
And because our responses are so ingrained, they have become
our filtering system for future incidents. In other words, if
something happens today that the brain reads as being similar
to something that happened in the past, it will respond as if
it were the first time, even though you may be in your 30's,
40's, 50's, 60's and beyond. |
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Bringing This to Life
For example, let's say a child
comes from a home where the parents fight frequently. That child
is going to associate yelling with bad feelings. In later years,
if his spouse raises her voice, he's likely to shut down like
when he was a kid-metaphorically running to his room, closing
the door, and essentially blocking out the noise.
Does this mean if you come from
a family of yellers you're doomed to hide under your bed every
time someone raises a voice? Luckily, recent research indicates
that the brain continues to grow throughout our lives-and old
patterns can be released as new ones are formed in your boomer
years..
Help Is On the Way
The way to managing your anger
and knee jerk reactions is to establish new connections by refocusing
your attention to a different outcome or possibility. But, before
you can foster these new connections in your brain, you have
to be aware of the old brain triggers.
When I try and distinguish whether
someone's reaction is a past association, I look to see if their
reaction to the situation is automatic and intense. Additionally,
when I try and offer an alternative to why they're behaving that
way, the person is resistant and reluctant to consider any other
view or interpretation of the situation-other than their own.
In my practice, I work extensively
with clients to help them rewire and rewrite their lives. Here
is an easy exercise to get you started on rewiring your brain
to control your anger and over-reactions that will bring about
positive changes in your life-today!
1. Thinking of Alternatives:
a. When you're projecting your past experience onto
a present one, try and imagine alternative ways to handle the
situation. For example, let's say you have lunch plans with a
friend-who cancels at the last minute. Immediately, you feel
an overwhelming sense of hurt and rejection. Which is how you
always feel in similar situations-indicating-voila-a past pattern!
Be conscious of this and take a step back to recognize it.
b. Then, approach the situation from an entirely
different perspective. Maybe you use humor to deflect the bad
feelings, thinking to yourself, "Gee, I guess it's my deodorant."
Or, you choose the direct approach and ask your friend if you've
done something to upset her. Or, you take the practical route
and figure your friend just overbooked, overextended, or over-promised-and
give her a get-out-of-jail-free card. (Hint: If you have difficulty
coming up with alternative ways to handle the situation, think
about how someone else - your mother, a childhood friend, an
admired acquaintance - might handle the same situation.)
2. Plugging in New Choices:
a. Now, replay the actual situation as vividly as
possible-the phone ringing, the sound of your friend's voice,
the awkward goodbyes-and imagine yourself carrying out one of
your new solutions. Maybe you decide that being understanding
of your friend's busy schedule is the best choice.
b. Replay the phone call and plug in your new behavior,
the understanding you, rather than playing out your old behavior
of feeling rejected and hurt.
Making it Last
Before long, you will begin to
see a slight shift in how you feel. By doing this exercise again
and again, you will refocus your attention on a new outcome.
This will rewire your brain and make a new neural connection-a
connection to positive change! |
