- Dating as a Single Parent
By Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.
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What are the qualities that
a single parent should look for in someone they are deciding
to date?
1. Playful, light and fun with kids. (Kids have
an innate instinct about people. Watch
2. Doesn't try to make the kids like activities
they "should" like. Will accept a child's declining
to participate in an activity that he/she likes. Open to learning
about your child's activities and interests.
3. Doesn't try to discipline kids. Setting rules,
boundaries and giving consequences needs to be done by the biological
parent.
4. Not jealous if you need to put the children
first or when they need your attention. Childhood goes by very
quickly. Give you children the attention they need. Help with
homework, the chance to talk about their day, etc.
5. Willing to be introduced into the lives of
the kids slowly.
6. Will accept your boundaries about how much
affection you are comfortable with expressing in front of your
kids, and at what pace. Progress slowly in the relationship,
at least in front of your children.
7. Speaks to children respectfully but not patronizingly.
Speaks to them in age-appropriate ways about topics of interest
to kids not just to him/her. Never uses degrading or belittling
language. Never calls anyone derogatory names.
8. Doesn't want to exclusively do activities with
children or only activities in which kids are excluded. A healthy
relationship has a mix of adult-only and child-included activities.
9. Doesn't scold, lecture or "should"
you about how you interact with the children's other parent.
10. Is patient when children express jealous and
interfering behaviors.
11. Sees you as a competent adult and a devoted
parent.
12. Understands all kids are different. Doesn't
compare your kids with his/her kids (or kids seen on TV!).
13. Able to be flexible with the unexpected and
roll with the unplanned events that always seem to arise in a
household with children.
14. Is there to hold you when you are missing your
kids. Doesn't try to talk you out of how you feel or rationalize
away your sadness.
15. Understands that kids do grow up and that life-partners
are together long after the kids have left home.
16. Willing to model respect and adoration for
you in front of your children. It is good for kids to see their
parent treated well by another adult.
17. Able to have open and non-defensive conversations
about how you feel and what you want about your relationship
and your children.
18. Willing to participate in family established
rituals such as birthdays, holidays, etc.
19. Does not use alcohol to excess or drugs.
20. Able to apologize and model asking for forgiveness
when he/she makes a mistake. Able to easily and quickly forgive
when asked for forgiveness.
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© 1999 Lois V. Nightingale,
Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist (lic# PSY9503), Director of the Nightingale
Counseling Center in Newport Beach and Yorba Linda, Calif. http://www.nightingalecounseling.com/.
She is also a national speaker and the author of several books,
including, My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're
Getting Divorced
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ARTICLE POSTED
JULY 28, 2003
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