- Pecked to Death
By Ducks
- By Maureen Killoran
Ever been in a situation where
it seems like minor criticisms are all you hear? Sure, there
are things you could improve, you know that . . . but a constant
peck, peck, peck of negative feedback sure doesn't motivate you
to change! One of my mentors called this gradual chipping away
at one's self esteem, "being pecked to death by ducks."
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How to deal with it? There are
ducks outside my window as I write . . . and I know that one
sure way to make them go away, is to stop feeding them. Ducks
need to eat a lot, and eat often, to keep going. If they can't
get food from you, they'll try someplace else.
So . . . how can you make this
work for your brand of "ducks"? What about figuring
out what there is about you that's FEEDING them? For example,
are you reacting to their pecks? (Psychologists tell us that
some people use a negative approach to get the attention they
crave.)
Are you working harder in response to their criticism? (When
you do this, you are exhausting yourself and adding chocolate
sauce to their dessert! The pecking won't end, I guarantee it.) |
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I believe we feed our ducks when
we take words of criticism home and brood. Most of us are programmed
to take criticism much more seriously than we do praise, and
many of us make almost a career out of taking criticism home
to chew over . . . and over . . . and again.
When Duck A criticizes me for DOING x, I have a choice. Take
it home and make it last . . . or look the criticism in the face.
If it's fair and valid, I may decide to stop x-ing (it's my choice).
In fact, Duck A may have done me a good turn -- and one way to
keep this in mind is to say (over and over if necessary), "It's
about what I DO, it's not who I BE."
A WORD ABOUT SYSTEMIC DUCK
FEEDERS: Some organizations
and groups encourage anonymous feedback, in the mistaken belief
that this provides a safe environment for honest communication.
WRONG! Anonymous feedback promotes dysfunctional systems . .
. and dysfunctional systems are essentially "duck food silos."
(I put a spin on an old mantra, "If you can't say it to
his/her face, don't say it at all." Of course, sometimes
we need help -- a mentor, an advocate, a companion, a safe structure.
But whatever it takes, in healthy systems, constructive, behavior-focused
criticism comes with a name attached, and if at all possible,
is given face-to- face.)
Finally: HOW NOT TO BE A DUCK:
Before YOU criticize, think clearly. Figure out what is really
bugging you. And then speak directly to the person with whom
you have a problem. Use 'I' statements (a skill unknown to ducks,
as far as I know). Rehearse ahead of time to be sure you're focused
on behavior (Do-ing), not Be-ing. A good rule is to ask yourself,
"How would this sound if she (or he) were talking to ME?"
© Maureen Killoran, 2005 |
