Help!, My Child Lies, What Can I Do?
By Dr. Noel Swanson, MD

Lying infuriates adults. The funny thing is, though, that it is the adults that often set the child up. It goes like this:

Greg's mother just found out that Greg was throwing rocks at somebody:

"Hi Greg, what have you been doing today?" [Why would I tell you if you don't know for sure?] "What do you mean? I haven't been doing anything", he replies looking innocent but confused. Were you throwing stones at the new girl?" [Maybe there's still hope I can pull this off.] "No.", he says out loud looking shocked that you would even imagine such a thing. "Mavis saw you." "It was some other kid. I wouldn't do that." [She'll believe me over some nosy neighbour!] "She seems pretty sure it was you."

"She's wrong! It wasn't me!"

Mum's first mistake was to offer him a way out, and then immediately corner him. Now they have to face off. Does Mum believe Mavis, or is there room for doubt? Greg does sound pretty sure of himself. Maybe it was another kid. If she lets him off now she'll have to tell him how sorry she is. If she believes he's guilty, she will have to punish him both for lying and for throwing stones.

Most children will lie to get out of trouble. Your job is to encourage them to tell the truth, not tempt them to lie more. That means that there must be some definite benefit for confessing, rather than trying to wriggle out of it. First you need to lay some foundations of truth and honesty in your home. Make sure that you, yourself, don't lie. Get into the habit of noticing and rewarding honesty and truthfulness. Talk about the value of honesty, and a good reputation. Demonstrate that honesty is a Good Thing, and that it gets rewarded.

If you do suspect them of lying or some other bad deed, don't lose your temper.

If you know for sure that he is guilty, don't tempt him to lie by asking him if he did it. Give him the details that you know and punish him.

On the other hand, you can invite them to tell you the truth. This is how it might be done:

"Hi Greg, I was talking with Mavis this afternoon, and she told me about something that she saw. I would like to hear your version. Why don't you go away and think it over for 15 minutes. Don't forget how much we value honesty in our home."

This gives Greg the chance to settle down and think about his problem. He can dig a deeper hole for himself, or he can tell his mum the truth. If he decides to take the honest route, be sure to praise him. If he sticks to the lie, then punish him both for lying and for the deed.

Either way, once things have calmed down, talk about the feelings of anger, envy, or insecurity that may have led to the behaviours. Show that it is okay to have such feelings, but that feelings don't excuse bad behaviour. Be patient. They won't talk until they know it is safe and that you won't "blow up" at what they say.