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5 Things You Shouldn't Do If
He's Cheating on You
By Ruth Houston
This may be the most important
article you’ll read about dealing with your husband’s
affair. There’s plenty of information available on what
to do if your husband is cheating. But very little has been written
about the things you shouldn’t do.
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Your husband is cheating. You’re
not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that decision, let’s
focus first on what you SHOULDN'T do. Most women react blindly
when they find out their husbands are having an affair. They
let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them to
do things they later regret -- things which make it difficult
or impossible to implement any worthwhile infidelity advice they
may later receive.
This article will keep you from
making a mistake that could sabotage the course of action you
eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to
leave your husband or stay with him and try to work things out,
doing the wrong thing at the outset can make a bad situation
worse. Let’s look at 5 key things you shouldn't do and examine
the reasons why.
1. Don’t put him out or leave him - YET.
Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving
him should be your last resort. You may eventually decide to
do this, but for now, it’s the worst thing you can do. Right
now you need to keep a close eye on what’s going on. It’ll
be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under
the same roof. If you put him out or leave, you’ll be hard-pressed
to know what he’s doing, short of hiring an investigator.
As long as you’re still together, you can keep your finger
on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed facts.
There’s a lot you need to know about the situation before
you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Continue
monitoring your husband’s activities, attitude, the frequency
of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning
his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use.
Also bear in mind that as long as he’s still there, you
have a chance to work things out. |
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2. Don’t tell the whole
world about his infidelity.
It’s natural to want to confide in somebody about your husband’s
affair, or rally friends and family to your side. But be very
cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in
could turn out to be the “other woman.” Make sure you’re
confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male
friend about your husband’s affair could complicate the
situation. There are men out there who take advantage of women
when they’re in a vulnerable state. Telling your husband’s
friends or family may not produce the results you want. They
might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses for
him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding
in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt
you. Elephants aren’t the only ones who never forget. Some
people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after
they’ve been resolved. If you and your husband decide to
reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger
and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may
show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution
in who you tell about your husband’s affair.
3. Don’t ignore his affair
or pretend it’s not happening.
Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic
as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you
need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity
gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending it’s
not happening will make him think he’s getting away with
his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent
approval. At some point you should inform your husband that you
know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop.
The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The
longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval,
the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the
harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember
too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling
your husband you know about it, will be enough to put a stop
to his affair.
4. Don’t confront him
without the 3 P’s – Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.
Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about
his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and
place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without
interruption. Do not ask your husband if he’s cheating.
CHEATERS ALWAYS LIE. Present the evidence you’ve gathered
that proves he’s having an affair - names, dates, places,
times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask
him some pointed questions about his affair: why he did it, how
it started, how long it’s been going on, how he feels about
the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen
carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation.
Then you’ll be able to make a wise decision about what course
of action to take. Do not confront your husband without proof
of his infidelity. To do so will be a colossal waste of time.
Unless you can prove he’s been cheating, the information-gathering
phase will never get off the ground. If you need proof, there’s
a way for you to get it without hiring a detective or buying
software or surveillance equipment. “Is He Cheating on You?
- 829 Telltale Signs” will help you find all the proof you
need using only your eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of
your husband, and the information in this book.
5. Don’t waste your time
and energy on the other woman.
One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the
other woman. It’s natural for you to be curious about her,
but she’s not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning
your husband about her, referring to her or dragging her name
into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on
the real issues where it belongs. Don’t obsess over the
details of what happened between the two them. Concentrate on
working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or
frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman
and demanding that she leave your husband alone. She’s not
obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening
her will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling,
criticizing or belittling her will only make your husband come
to her defense. You’ll be driving them closer together instead
of forcing them apart Forget about the other woman and focus
your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track.
Will you end up sabotaging your
marriage or saving it? The final outcome depends on the way you
handle things when you first discover your husband’s affair.
In the initial stages, you may be unsure exactly what you’re
going to do. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you
stay with your husband or leave him, avoiding these mistakes,
leaves the way clear for whatever decision you eventually make.
© Ruth Houston |
