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Getting Along: Sibling Fights
By Lesia Oesterreich
Why kids quarrel and what parents can do about it.There are a
number of reasons that kids quarrel, fight, and tease. Sometimes
they are just bored, tired, or hungry. Other times they are seeking
attention, looking for companionship, or trying to develop their
own sense of power. Understanding why kids quarrel can help you
know what to do.
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Basic needs
It never fails. Whenever you
are the busiest - shopping, cleaning, or running errands - quarreling
and teasing break out. "Mom, he hit me." "She
took my book." "He called me dumb!" Sound familiar?
What Parents Can Do
The first thing to ask is what basic needs are not being met
here? Kids who are tired, hungry, or bored are not going to feel
cheerful and cooperative. A few minutes of rest, a healthy snack,
and some interesting things to do can work wonders. |
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Attention
Sometimes kids get into a bad
habit of squabbling as a way of getting attention. If this situation
seems common in your house, it may be time to "reprogram"
your kids so that only good behavior gets rewarded.
What Parents Can Do
Ignore mild quarrels. Ignoring sometimes works, but only if no
one is in danger of getting hurt. Remain calm, and avoid speaking
or looking at your children. If things don't seem too out of
control, you may find it helpful to leave the room or to listen
to music with headphones.
Ignoring works best when parents also make the effort to give
attention for good behavior.
Spend time with each child. Studies shows that 15 to 20 minutes
of one-to-one attention with a child per day will significantly
reduce whining and aggressive behavior. Reading to your child,
playing a game, or simply involving them in everyday routine
activities are good ways to give positive attention.
Teach children to ask for attention in a positive way. Use statements
like "When you need a hug, let me know"; "I can't
always play with you for a long time, but I almost always can
take time to read you a book"; "Yelling hurts my ears,
try tapping me on the shoulder and asking for help."
Make each child feel uniquely special. It is not necessary or
even possible to treat children equally in every way. Each of
your children has a unique personality and interests. Encourage
those traits and interests. Avoid making comparisons, and try
not to set your children up for competition. Saying "Angie
loves to draw and paint" is better than saying "Angie
is a better artist than Jason."
Teach children how to negotiate or compromise. Learning to trade
one toy for another and learning to take turns are a child's
first lesson in the art of negotiation. Take the time to show
a toddler how to trade for a toy rather than just grab for it.
With older children, focus on how to take turns. Sometimes a
timer helps. If one child doesn't want to play, teach your other
child how to make a deal to play later. Most 4- and 5- year-old
children can learn to find something else to do for at least
30 minutes. If children can't agree on what to play, help them
learn how to brainstorm ideas until they can come up with something
they both agree on.
Power
Part of growing up is learning
about personal power. Children naturally experiment to see whether
they can get each other to do things. Children notice when a
sibling can do something they cannot. Competition between siblings
can sometimes make children feel very insecure and intolerant.
Learning to handle competitive feelings is a real challenge for
young children.
What Parents Can Do
Avoid taking sides. For younger children, calmly but firmly separate
the two children and lead them to separate rooms. Avoid yelling
or lecturing. Talk with them only after they have had a few minutes
to cool down. For older children, sit the kids on the floor near
each other, but not too close (any place not too comfortable
will do) and tell them that they can get up only when they each
can tell you what they did wrong. Each child has to "confess"
his or her own actions, not the other child's. This technique
helps children accept responsibility for their actions and lessens
blaming.
Give children choices.
As children learn to make simple
choices between wearing red or yellow socks, or playing with
a train or a truck, they begin learning how to make decisions.
Sometimes they also learn the consequences of those simple decisions.
Making good decisions takes practice. Parents can give children
opportunities to learn about decision making. For example, when
kids quarrel, parents can say "You can decide how to share
the play dough, or I will put it away."
Encourage win-win negotiations.
When children seem stuck in negotiations
it is often helpful to lead them through problem-solving steps:
(1) stop the action,
(2) listen to each other,
(3) name the problem,
(4) think of different ways to solve the problem,
(5) choose a win-win plan that meets everyone's needs,
(6) carry out the plan, and
(7) evaluate how well the plan worked.
Most young children will need
adult help in thinking through this process, and it does take
time. The advantage is that after doing this process over and
over, young children soon will become fairly good at identifying
a problem and coming up with different options for solving the
problem on their own. A child that has lots of practice in thinking
of different ways to solve a problem is much more likely to solve
a conflict in a positive way. |
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