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Getting Along: Sibling Fights
- pg2
By Lesia Oesterreich
Avoid comparisons.
Parents compare children for a number of reasons. Often, they
believe that such comparisons will shame children and give them
an incentive to do better. But comparing children to each other
often sets them up for a great deal of jealousy and envy later
on. It is generally better to avoid comparisons. Focus your words
and actions specifically on each child's behavior. Correct or
encourage children in a more positive way.
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1. Five-year-old Sara is refusing to pick up toys.
What parent says : How come your
brother always cheerfully picks things up when I ask, but you
never do?
What child may feel : My brother's
a goody goody. I hate him.
What parent could say instead
: Sara, toys left on the floor sometimes get stepped on or broken. |
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2. Mother watches son reading a book.
What parent says: Boy, you're
terrific! I wish your brother was interested in books like you
are. All he does is run around and make noise. He will never
learn to read!
What child may feel: Proud that
mom is pleased. Also may feel: "I'm not that wonderful.
I feel sorry for my brother" or "I'm better than my
brother because he is loud and dumb."
3. Four-year-old Jason sits eating at the table.
What parent says: You are a big
boy. You don't make a mess with food like the baby does.
What child may feel: I'm better
than the baby.
What parent could say instead:
I see that you have eaten all your peas and used your napkin
to wipe your face. You are really learning good table manners.
Encourage personal goals.
Sometimes it is helpful to encourage children to turn their competitive
feelings into personal goals for themselves. In other words,
help children to "compete" against themselves by improving
their own skills. For young children this may mean improving
their skills in bouncing a ball, learning to skip, singing a
song, building elaborate sand castles, or tying shoes. You also
can use this opportunity to talk with your child about important
values such as practicing, doing your best, trying hard, and
so on.
Don't overlook cruel behavior
Parents often will shrug off
fighting and teasing between brothers and sisters with comments
like "That's just the way kids are" or "Kids will
be kids." However, sometimes fighting between siblings can
get entirely out of hand.
Parents often ignore, deny, or overlook cruel behavior between
their children. Yet thousands of adults have suffered serious
emotional trauma from sibling abuse. Believe it or not, sibling
violence is thought to occur more frequently than violence between
parents and children or spouse abuse. Outside the home, much
of this mistreatment would be considered assault. If someone
else hit or abused a child, most parents would be outraged. But
between siblings, it is usually ignored.
Characteristics of sibling abuse
Physical
Physical abuse may involve hitting, biting, slapping, shoving,
punching, tickling to excess, and injurious or life-threatening
behavior such as choking or being shot with a BB gun.
Emotional
This includes extreme teasing, name calling, belittling, ridiculing,
intimidating, annoying, and provoking. Children also destroy
personal possessions or torture and kill pets to get an emotional
response from their victim.
Sexual
Sexual abuse includes unwanted touching, indecent exposure, attempted
penetration, intercourse, rape, or sodomy between siblings.
How to tell when things have gone too far
Children respond to sibling abuse
in different ways. Telltale signs include:
- protecting themselves
- screaming and crying
- constantly avoiding a sibling
- abusing a younger sibling in
turn
- acting out an emotionally abusive
message
- telling parents
- fighting back
- submitting.
When difficulties between siblings
get in the way of normal living, or become harmful or dangerous,
things have gone too far. If you are having trouble with sibling
abuse in your family, review the parenting suggestions in this
publication. You may also want to consider seeking professional
help.
References
Kids Can Cooperate, Elizabeth
Crary, Parenting Press, 1984.
Perilous Rivalry: When Siblings Become Abusive, Vernon Wiehe,
McMillan, 1991.
Siblings Without Rivalry, Adele
Faber & Elaine Mazlish, W.W. Norton, 1987.
Reprinted with permission from National Network for Child Care
-NNCC.
Oesterreich, L. (1996). Getting Along: Sibling Fights.
[Pm 1651]. Ames, IA: Iowa State University Extension. |
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